“Hamilton, what’s really going on? Why are you talking to me like you don’t even know me anymore?”
She stood there, majestic as the day I saw her. I could see that she had several plates in her bag. There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn’t know where or how to begin. She was standing right outside my door.
“Hamilton? Can we talk?”
The morning mist was beginning to turn into rain drops. I motioned her to the passenger side while I rolled up the glass. I unlocked the door just in time. The clouds began to bellow, saturating the earth once more. Despite the weather, the only thing that I could see was Naomi. The woman that my soul yearned for was next to me again. Even in a hoodie and jeans, she was my queen.
“Helloooooo? Earth to Hamilton? Are you okay? It’s like you’re here, but you’re not here”
“I’m sorry darling. I have a lot on my mind”
I inhaled the moist air as I could hear a familiar song on the radio. Naomi’s attention was on me, her brown spheres fixed on my lips. My mind took control and continued the game.
“Naomi, I’m just having some family issues that I need to address”
“So, why don’t we talk about it. I mean I’m here. You’re here. Let’s talk this through”
My heart was begging me to spill my guts, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction. I was going to stand firm.
“Naomi, I really don’t feel comfortable talking about it at this time”
I could see Naomi was growing rather perturbed. She looked to the roof several times before she addressed me again.
“Okay Hamilton. Let’s cut to the chase. Why have you been treating me like I’ve got the plague or something? We were having video chats, you were calling me everyday. Now, you barely say hello to me! What’s going on? You got another woman taking up your time? Is that why you lied to me and said that you were going to work this morning?”
I could feel my ego cheering me on, urging my mind to continue the petty parade.
“Hamilton, we should really cuss this broad out! I mean how in the hell she gonna question us when we were the ones looking like BooBoo the Fool! Bring up that time when you said you missed her and she said “thanks for missing me”! C’mon son, tell her what’s up!”
I could feel the petty coming to my lips, but my heart stepped forward with a suggestion.
“Hamilton, just tell her the truth. If she accepts it, cool. If she doesn’t, cool. But you will have said your peace and you can live with that, right?”
My mind conceded and agreed with my heart.
“Naomi, I need to be straight with you. For the past two weeks, I’ve been pulling back on the amount of contact I’ve been giving you. I’m becoming emotionally attached to you”
“And what’s wrong with that? Isn’t that the whole point of us dating?”
“What that means is that I’m taking all of this a little more seriously than you are. I want commitment right now and you don’t. When you’re away, I truly miss you. I’ve made it clear that I want a relationship, but from your actions and words, you’re not ready. I don’t want to date anyone else, however, you want to continue seeing your male friends and exes. I’m not cool with being the side nigga. So I need to back away before my heart gets crushed”
Naomi looked me over. She took a breath before she responded.
“So you’re telling me that you do not want to see anyone else? Truly?”
“Yep, that’s what I’m saying”
“Hmmmm. From where I sit, it sounds like you don’t want anyone else to have me. Like you don’t want me to have any choices, but you’re free to keep your stable of hoes!”
“That’s not what I said at all Naomi”
“But that’s what you want isn’t it? You probably had a chick at your house last night! But here you are, wanting me to give up my options because you may decide that you want to be with me later?”
“Do you hear yourself Naomi?”
“I hear myself just fine Dr. Simon! I’m just amazed at the bullshit that you’re trying to pass on me right now! Like I’m some D student you can manipulate!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa Professor! I’m just expressing how I feel, pure and simple. Lady, you stay on mind constantly”
“Naomi, I want to be the one to give you flowers just because you’re in my life. I want to be the one you confide in when you’ve had a bad day. I want to be the one to help you unpack all your hurts and insecurities. Despite the walls I have to climb, I want you. Dammit, I’m falling for you! Can’t you understand that?”
“So why can’t you just send me flowers anyway? Why do we have to be in a relationship in order for you to court me? Aren’t you supposed to win me? And if you are falling for me, why won’t you even try to have sex with me? We’ve known each other over four months now”
“Naomi, you’ve never given me a signal that you were ready to have sex with me”
“So the nudes I sent you weren’t evidence enough?”
“Honestly, when you sent those to me I thought we were ready. But when we had the picnic at the park, you didn’t show any type of affection. You didn’t want to sit next to me. You didn’t touch my hand, anything! No show of affection at all”
“So women normally do that to you when they want some?”
“Yes!! Every woman I’ve encountered gives some type of signal”
“So if I’m standoffish and I have all these insecurities, why do you want to be with me?”
“That’s a good question. I believe there is a song that says:
“You can’t help who you love,
You can’t know whose at fault
The heart lives in a world of it’s own, no control
You can’t help who you love”
The fact of the matter is, you intrigue me mentally Naomi. You challenge me to be the best version of myself. When I ask for your advice, you don’t just tell me that I’ll figure it out. You give me sound guidance. When your guard is down, you’re one of the funniest people I’ve ever met”
It looked as if she wanted to reach for my hand. Instead, she held on to her plates, giving me a look of disbelief and disdain.
“Hmmmmm. I’m all these things to you, but you’re distancing yourself from me? I don’t know how I’m supposed to take this?”
“Beautiful, I’m just sharing how I feel. You’ve done nothing wrong. I just realize that I don’t want to share you with anyone else. I’ve spent a good portion of my adult years being that dude on the side, hiding in the shadows. I’m done with that. I’m 45. I’m tired of the games”
“And you believe that all of this is in me?”
“Yes, that’s what I believe. That’s what I know”
Before Naomi could respond, the waitress came to my door and presented me with my breakfast.
“Sorry for the wait, but we had to make sure that the food wouldn’t get rained on”
I smiled at the waitress and pulled my meal from the heating box. I gave her a twenty dollar tip for her troubles.
“Thank you Mr. Simon. Have a good morning!”
I watched her walk away as I rolled up my window. I turned my attention back to Naomi who was getting ready to leave the car.
“Wait? I thought we were talking?”
“There’s nothing else to talk about. I just wish that you would be a man and just say that there is another woman that you wanna be with. No man in his right mind would wait to have sex with a woman if he truly cares for her. But I understand, good doctor. You gotta make yourself feel good, like this wasn’t a break-up. Well, I hope that you are happy with her!”
Before I could get a word out, Naomi slammed the car door and stomped back to her truck. I put my meal on the passenger seat and went after her. Before I could reach the white carriage, she scurried away.
It was a slow walk back to the car. I turned off the radio and sat in the silence, dejected. It was becoming hard to breathe. Anger was starting to set in. My heart pleaded for me to call her as a last attempt, but my mind and ego were not hearing any of it. I put myself out there and got mutilated. There was nothing left to say.
Written by the Wednesday Gentleman