When Sex Is Not Enough

I met up with Aisha a week ago for a long overdue lunch.  It had been nearly five months since our conversation about which suitor she was going to settle down with.  I had been checking her profile sporadically but there was no change in her relationship status. The photos of exotic weekend trips and celebrities had come to a standstill.  Every time I said I was going to call her regarding “the decision”, I became sidetracked with life.  That was until last Wednesday.  So you can imagine my first question when we sat down . . . . . . . . .

“So girlie, have you settled down yet?”

“Unfortunately . . . . no”

“Wah?  What happened?  I thought this was a done deal?”

“Well, to make a long story short, I initially picked Jay.  But after a week, I discovered that the ninja was married!  So I tried to go back to Terrance and he said he couldn’t date me again.  Said that I was unwilling to compromise. . . . whatever the hell that means!  I think he already had someone else”

Now I don’t like to laugh at anyone’s pain but I found this situation all too humorous.  I sipped on my water as Aisha began to defend why she was such a great catch and Terrance was a fool for rejecting her.  It was obvious that Terrance had cracked her armor as she dwelt on him instead of Jay’s betrayal.   

“Why did Terrance dismiss me Michael?  I got a fat ass.  I make good money.  Plus I was breaking him off that good good every chance we were together!  Hell, he wrote poems about my pussy after each session!  

“What exactly did he say Aisha?  I have a strange feeling that you are leaving something out”

“Mr. Pro Black conveyed that he needed to be in a relationship where his needs were being met as well as my own.  He told me that I was selfish!  Me?!  Said that I only wanted to come over and get what I wanted!  That I never considered him and what he was doing!  Can you believe that shit? He said that we can remain ‘friends’ but he didn’t want to waste his time pursuing a commitment with me until I was able to be selfless”

“Wow . . . . . . .and wow!  Brother didn’t pull any punches did he?”

“What does that mean?  Do you believe that I’m incapable of compromise?  Are you taking his side?! Really negro?”

I took another sip of my water as I felt another counseling session about to start.

“Well Aisha . . . . . . . you’ve become accustomed to having your way. . . . . . .”


“Even as kids, you used to change rules in the middle of a kickball game so that you could win.  And when you lost, you would take your ball in and refuse to let the rest of us play with it!”

“Michael that was so long ago.  I’ve matured since then . . . . ”

“Aisha, if you’ve never given up something that you desired for someone else, then it’s hard to compromise.  You can’t just flip a switch after forty years of self-obsession and proclaim that you are going to be selfless!   Doesn’t quite work like that.  So yes I hate to say it  . . . . . . but Terrance has a valid point”

“So you mean to tell me that letting him dig out my cookies every chance we were together was not good enough?  Him blowing his load all over my ass was not good enough?  I just don’t follow you ol’ wise one!”

“Yes Aisha, you have the bomb poohnanny but understand, sex is not enough”

“What do you mean it’s not enough?  It’s enough for Kanye!  It should be enough for Terrance homeless ass!”

As Aisha continued to stew, I felt heartbroken for her.  It’s not every day that someone hits you with a truth that challenges your beliefs.  After all, today’s media teaches that if you are a size two, have money, and can sex like a porn star, you should have no problem holding on to a mate.  Regardless if you don’t share the same ideas or not, the triple threat combo keeps a man.  And that, beloved, is simply not the case.

“So Michael, what do men look for in a woman?  Since Mr. High and Mighty pushed me to the side, what should I do?”

“Well . . . speaking on behalf of the consulate, men want a woman that provides a place of peace”

“A place of peace?  You mean no kids around?”

“No sweetness.  I mean a place where a man can take it easy. . . . be completely vulnerable and not live in fear”

“But that’s not what Puffy said in that song!  He talked about having a pretty woman next to him and starting a family.  He didn’t say anything about being vulnerable!”

I couldn’t help but laugh because Aisha was right!

“I wouldn’t put stock in what Mr. Combs attempts to rap about when it comes to love.  He doesn’t exactly have a stellar track record”

“So am I supposed to just give up everything that I am and cater to Terrance?  Am I supposed to cook his dinner, buy his cuff links, and tie his damn shoes every day?  Ninja I got court in the morning!”  

“While that is nice, I’m not talking about that either.  With the hunting of Black men kicking into a whole new stratosphere, it is imperative that men have a woman that they can share their hopes and fears without judgement.  Now I’m sure that you’ve heard about the Proverbs 31 woman right?”

“Yeah, dad preached on it once. . . . .”

“Well Proverbs 31:11 talks of this woman that provides refuge for her husband.  The scripture states that “the heart of her husband safely trusts her”.  Men need to know that they can strip down and become naked emotionally in front of their woman without being considered weak. For me, it is difficult to wake up every morning and work a job that sees me less than what I really am.  It’s hard to apply for jobs in a climate where Black men are being shunned.  It’s hard to get out of my current circumstance when others of the same decent refuse to work with me for fear that I will take some of their shine.  I know this may come as a shock to you, but I’m not strong all the time.  Even though I process and keep it moving, there are days where I want to scream, cry, and unfortunately . . . . give up.  So who can I turn to? Who is going to be my sounding board?”

I could see that the thought was beginning to register with Aisha.  She sat there for a moment before leaving the table.  I continued to snack on my wings until she came back with that same bounce she had before we started our conversation.

“So enough about me and my drama.  What’s going on with you Michael?”

“What’s going on with me??  What about what I just told you woman?  Do you think that you can provide the peace that your man needs?”

“Well what about me?  I need to be made safe too!  I need a place to be naked in too!”

“Aisha . . . . . .you asked me what does a man look for in a woman . . . . remember?”

“But that wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear”

“And this is why you’re still single . . . . .”

Written by the Wednesday Gentleman

2 thoughts on “When Sex Is Not Enough

  1. Hmmmm…..people have to rememeber that being in a relationship requires teamwork. No man or woman should always think…”What about me”?! Yes…we all have things we want and we should state those things when we are getting to know each other. However, just as one is expecting another to please them and be there for them….they have to be willing to open up and be open to changing their actions and be there for that other person, as well. Men can’t ask for a woman to be their peace and they aren’t ready to be the same. Yes…Aisha may need to do things differently, but, she may not do that if she doesn’t feel that the man is worthy of that. Maybe talking to you may allow her to be more insightful (over time) of changes she may need to make…or maybe, not. Some people have to realize that it may not be the other person that has the problem….sometimes it may be them. Nobody is perfect and all of us have things we can improve….and if more people realize that…less of us may be single!

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