Breazy’s List of Black Ass Shit

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Have you ever seen, done, or heard something that was so Black you’d swear was sponsored by Lustersilk? Well I have and believe you me, all I can say is that I love my people. Now I don’t mean that in a condescending way, it’s just somethings I’ve seen, done, or heard could only have been seen, done, or heard by Black people.

Seriously just think about all the times you heard of some horrible act or crime and the first thought that popped into your head was, “I hope he/she/they isn’t/aren’t Black,” before even thinking about the victim. Now tell me that isn’t some Black ass shit.

Well the above example and many like it got me to thinking about other unequivocally Black ass shit. So much in fact that I decided to make a list of things I think are unequivocally Black ass shit, and I wrote a song about it, like to hear it, here it go…

1. Rooting for Black contestants or families on game shows.
Let’s be honest, the only reason some of us watch games shows are because we were flipping through the channel and just happen to see a Black family on Family Feud. We don’t know them (unless we actually do) and they don’t know us but as a collective we all wish them luck with the collective strength of 20 Black bathroom attendants.

2. Rooting for a Black quarterback/coach.
Aside from rooting against our own team, the only time a lot of us even think about rooting for another football team is if there is a Black man playing the most important position on the field or if said team is coached by a Black man; oh and bonus points, if he’s married to a Black woman.

3. Fish plates.
It recently dawned on me just how much we as Black folks and the Black church rely on fish. Seriously, we took Jesus feeding the masses with a fish and bread too literally. Every Black church serves/sells fish plates for the lunch/dinner after service. And besides car washes, fish plates are sold as a way to raise money to redo the carpet. I haven’t even mentioned the person that sets up an economy sized grill/fryer in the back of a Black barbershop/beauty salon and supplies barbers and beauticians with fish plates.

4. “I swear before God”.
I’ve literally lived around the world and in a couple of states and have never heard any other race say this phrase before getting ready to act up. It’s almost like saying, “I swear before God” is miraculously going to give whoever is saying it the strength of 10 Mandingo warriors.

5. Bathroom attendants.
I’m no bathroom connoisseur and I don’t doubt that some non-Black establishments have bathroom attendants, but I’m pretty sure the idea of having someone in the bathroom to supply all your toiletry needs are met, from toothpicks in a green box of 400 to handing someone a paper towel, was the idea of Black man with last name Washington, Johnson, or Jackson with a first name like Cleophus or Willie.

6. That big ass knife, fork and spoon set that hung up in the kitchen.
Aside from a picture of JFK, Jesus and Martin Luther King (in that order), just about every Black person’s Madea, Big Mama, Gi Gi or Nana adorned her kitchen with the worlds biggest cutlery made of wicker.

That’s it, these are just a couple of things that I feel are so unequivocally Black they would make a Kardashian wet.

What do you think? What are some black ass things you feel I missed?

Talk to me, I’ll talk back.

Breazy the Hun

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