While I may divulge terrors from my dating past, I normally try to keep my current affairs private. Today however, I’m going to make an exception. I need to go ahead and apologize to the young lady in which today’s tale is based. It’s not that she was such a horrible person. The fact of the matter was that the date itself was one of the most disheartening that I’ve experienced in quite a while. Instead of getting to know more about the cutie pie, I spent most of the date destroying misconceptions of the Black man. I felt like I was on trial justifying what a man truly is instead of sharing common interests and ideas.
Now normally I’m selective when it comes to going out to eat with a lady. The initial meeting is always at a coffee house where the two of us can talk without distraction and see if we vibe. If there is no connection, then there is no harm done. No gobs of money spent. Well . . . . . . that wasn’t the case with this particular pretty young tender (who we’ll call Tamika). I met Tamika in a Facebook group. I ended up singing on a post and Ms. Pretty slid into my DM and asked me out. Let me say that this surprised the hell out of me! I didn’t know too much about Tamika as she rarely chimed in on any posts. I did know that honey dip was gorgeous! Tamika had that Halle Berry exquisite fine going on! At any rate, she conveyed that she wanted to get to know me on a more personal level and suggested meeting at a country diner in town. Like any sensible man, I accepted the invitation.
I thought I was going to be catfished when Tamika stepped in the door but girlfriend didn’t disappoint. All eyes were on her as she approached the table. As Tamika came into focus, I saw that her breasts were about to fall out of her shirt! As she sat down, she could feel the eyes all on her and then she looked at me admiring her figure as well.
“Um, excuse me. My eyes are up here sir”
“I’m sorry lady. I was just wondering if your blouse was going to be able to hold onto your girls for the rest of the night”
“So you got jokes huh?”
“Just stating the obvious lady. Kinda hard to concentrate when they are out like that”
“Don’t front Michael. You know you like all of this”
“I may like it, but it takes more than big breasts to make a woman attractive to me”
“Is that right? Hell, I haven’t known any man to turn down all of this!”
Misconception #1: It’s All About the P**sy
Now let me choose my words very carefully here. While men love it when a woman gives herself over to them, that’s not what it’s all about. I’m not gonna front. When I was a young thundercat, all I wanted was the poohnanny. Before I learned about masturbation, I used to draw out scenes in order to fulfill the urge. The primary goal of getting a girlfriend back in the day was to satisfy my animalistic appetite. I wasn’t thinking about having a family. I wasn’t thinking about marriage. The only thing that was on my mind was feeling good. If the girl made met the need, then all was well. So what if I had to put up with a lot of unnecessary drama just to get it? It didn’t matter because I wasn’t listening anyway!
Now as I’ve gotten older, my focus has changed. . . . dramatically. The primary is not getting the cookies, it’s maintaining my sanity. In a world where the Black man is being hunted daily, the last thing I want to do is come home to a lot of unnecessary drama. When I come through the door from a 9 to 5 that expects me to do do the job of five people, the last thing I want to hear is a rumor one of your girlfriends conjured up. I don’t want to hear about how Jon Jon got Peaches pregnant for the thirteenth time. I don’t want to hear about bills that can’t be dealt with until the following week. When I come home, I want to feel appreciated. I want my woman to hug me and help me relax. Not all this other shit. Ladies, here me when I say this. A woman who helps put a man’s mind at ease is what men are looking for. We can get cookies anywhere nowadays. But a woman who comes alongside a man and helps him make life easier, that is priceless.
“So you prefer no drama versus good looks huh?”
“Well, I want to be able to roll over in the morning and not scream when I look at her. She doesn’t have to be Serena to everyone, just to me”
“So you’re telling me that if I start a fight with you, you’re not going to clap back at me?”
“Well . . . . no. I don’t like to argue and I don’t have time for the nonsense. We’re too old to be fussing for the hell of it. I got better things to do. Now if you want to discuss an issue and help come up with a resolution, then I’m down for the cause”
Tamika rolled her eyes a bit as she swirled the sugar in her tea.
“What’s the hmmm for?”
“The hmmmmm is for I would walk all over you. Don’t get me wrong Michael, but I don’t think you can handle me. You’re a little “too” nice. I need a man that can put me in my place. I need a man’s man”
Misconception #2: Decent Guys are Punks
Now I’ve been dealing with this myth since high school and it hasn’t been corrected yet. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me because I chose to treat a woman with respect. Whenever I attempted to do so, I was looked at as being a pussy. So since I was such a punk, I gave myself a new attitude and started being out and out disrespectful to females. Wouldn’t you know that I couldn’t keep the females off of me? And it was crazy?!! After college, I just couldn’t keep living that lifestyle anymore. I thought about how I disrespected my mother’s house by having all the females I was associated with run up through there. I decided that for better or worse, I was going to be true to myself. I was going to be a confident, solid dude. So does it make me less of a man that I open the car door for a lady? No. Does it make me less of a man if I actually have a good relationship with my children’s mother? No again. So ladies, why do you continue to pass on the good guys? Good guys can be thugs in the sheets . . . . .
“Okay so you’re a nice guy who wants a woman with no drama. Is that why you left your ex-wife?”
“Something like that. We appreciate each other’s differences now and make that work for our kids”
“Wait a minute? You get along with your son’s mother?”
“Um, yes. Is that a crime or something?”
“Shit, you must still be hitting that from time to time huh? When I stopped giving my children’s father the pussy, he stopped picking my son up. He won’t even come to his football games on Saturdays! All that n**ga does is pay his child support!”
Misconception #3: Black Men are Deadbeat Fathers
It doesn’t cease to amaze me but during every first date conversation, a woman will tell me that she doesn’t believe that my son resides with me. I will spend five to ten minutes defending why my son lives with me and that I have a stable relationship with his mom. I will spend even more time if my ex is at a football game supporting her own child! Females tend to believe that I’m still sticking my ex but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Yo, I know this sounds crazy but people can get along to raise their children. It happens more often than not in my circle. In fact, all the fellas I know are good fathers. All of them. They bust they ass for their children and know the true meaning of sacrifice.
Now my father and I have a strained relationship and we don’t talk as much as I would like. However, he’s the reason why I grind as hard as a father. I remember how he used to work third shift, come home and do yard work or some other odd job, rest for a few hours, and then preach a revival! I didn’t understand it as much as I do now but he worked hard to provide for my brother and I. I didn’t know the scrutiny or hardships he faced but he did it all without complaining. I admired that about him. I knew times were hard when the lights went off but I didn’t know what he had to do to get them back on. But he did. I thank him for being the father that he was to me.
After my last defense, Tamika ceased the interrogation and we talked about Power and how we both wished Holly would just die! When it was time to pay, I asked the waiter to give me the bill. Even though Tamika said she would pay, I footed the bill . . . . . even though I didn’t plan to see her again. . . . . .
Family, it seems like we are keeping each other from each other. We’re afraid to love because we tend to believe what the media wants us to believe about each other. Don’t you want better? Fellas, what are some other misconceptions that you have had to overcome? Ladies, what are some lies that you want fellas to know are untrue about females?
Written by Michael Dock, Founder of The Wednesday Gentleman and Author of the Forthcoming Novel “Addicted to Chaos”. Follow me on Instagram @ thewednesdaygentleman.