Monday night my son hits me with the news that he has a girlfriend (awwwwwwww). Anyhew, he begs me to purchase his new boo thang something for Valentine’s Day. Now since he has been careless with his allowance and has been working for me like an indentured servant, he has to ask me for yet another advance. Seeing that he never shares this part of himself with me, I thought I would see how much he has invested in this new romance to discern how much I should spend. So after a few minutes of interrogation, I uncover the following:
- He doesn’t talk to her outside of Science class.
- He doesn’t have her phone number.
- He doesn’t email her.
- They have only been dating for two weeks.
After restating the facts of what they don’t do, he informs me that “We’re only in middle school daddy”. In my eyes, this chick is only a friend. I mean I wasn’t the best looking kid in the sixth grade during my day but I did have phone numbers (which young kimosabi did not). I kindly told him that we would buy her a small box of candy from the Dollar Tree. Once he invested more time and effort, then we could purchase her a better gift . . . . . . . . . . if they are still together. . . . which they probably won’t be after next week!
Now even though I feel my son is playing himself by not getting the digits from his young tenderoni, he does have someone for Valentine’s. Yeah, the young G is outdoing his old man right now. And seeing that I spent last Valentine’s with someone else’s woman (don’t judge me, I’ve been delivert!), I’m a little relieved to be solo dolo on this feminine holiday. I know that some of you singles are anxious as that dreaded day of love approaches. So what do the lonely do at Valentine’s? Well I’m glad you asked! I have a few tips to help you steer clear of unwanted pregnancies and depleted bank accounts.
Don’t Fall Prey to the Commercials
Let’s keep it one hundred. Valentine’s Day is a competition between women to see who can out do the other. Ask any guy! Zales, ProFlowers, Shari’s Berries, and all of the other businesses come together for an onslaught of advertising the week before Valentine’s in an effort to guilt a guy into buying some elaborate gift that should be reserved for Christmas. Yes this holiday is just for women. If it was for men as well, you would see Best Buy or Brandsmart USA commercials imploring women to buy a flat screen for their man! These feminine advertisements serve two purposes. Not only do they put pressure on the fellas, but it puts pressure on you ladies. Subliminally, the commercials are telling you that you need someone to give you some pricey trinket. But do you really need another diamond ring that was paid for with the mortgage money? Do you need another car in which the payments will leave you longing for that old Honda that was already paid off? If you have a man that adores you, shouldn’t a gift that comes from the heart count just as much? I mean that recycled gift of cookies that you give him for every special occasion comes from the heart right?
Absolutely No Cuffin’ Before The Holiday (Or Any Holiday for That Matter)
This travesty of a holiday is only made worse by singles who want to be cuffed so that they are not left looking lonely to their counterparts. In my line of work, it’s common to run into single women daily. Most of the time, they really don’t care about their hair or attire. These women don’t tend to care about their wardrobe until they are trying to get chose. This was the case about a week ago as I was in the field visiting clients. At my first stop, the administrative assistant who normally is dressed in sweats was dressed to the nines in a cleavage plunging blouse with leather tights disguised as business slacks. Now this assistant (let’s call her Plenty) never caught my eye outside of her tall frame. I mean baby girl look like she could beat your ass if you cross her wrong. But on this day? Man! Plenty was putting her wares out to show! I never paid attention to her golden globes before but on this day, the Lord shined His light on me! She made sure that I noticed them in all their glory as she continued to bend over to show off their depth each time she talked. Plenty then turned her back to me and showed me that Serena was not the only one that had body. Plenty modeled her outfit proudly and then hit me with the okie doke:
“You know, you and your lady can come to our Valentine’s Day dance on the 12th?”
“I don’t have a lady so I can’t come”
“You can come by yourself. I’ll be your date for the evening. Trust me, I’ll treat you right!”
“Sorry sweetness, I’m on a dating hiatus right now”
“When will it be over?”
Now before you tar and feather me, baby girl took all of this in good fun. I told her that I wanted to attend the ball but that I had another engagement on that night. Plenty licked her lips and smiled and said that there would be more events that I could be apart of. I didn’t know whether to be delighted or scared . . . . . .
Have Fun With Your People
Last Valentine’s, I found myself taking in a movie and eating some Chinese for lunch. My plan was to avoid all things dealing with love. Remember, I had recently been fired from my relationship and I was feeling depressed. I found myself thinking about her and all the memories we shared. I was looking at my phone trying not to call her. Just as I was about to give in, Eva Longoria called and asked me what I was doing. Since I desperately wanted some company, I didn’t care that she had a man. For whatever reason, I was getting her call. I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t make any demands. I loved the one that I was with. And yeah, it was an evening of two people wanting to feel needed but it left me empty. Eva ended up getting engaged that summer and me . . . . well you know the story. . . . . . . .
Unlike last year, I already have my weekend festivities planned out. Trapeze and Magic City are on the menu and I’m looking forward to all the debauchery that will ensue! (just kidding . . . . maybe . . . ) I made up in my mind that I would not end up being temporary for anyone during this season and neither should you. Get out and tear the club up with your girls! Fellas, try out some new guns at the shooting range. Enjoy being single because once you say I do, you will never have this opportunity again.