How many of you have started on your New Year resolutions? Are you putting that nicotine patch to good use? Getting in that hour of exercise after work each day instead of going to the bar? Are you refraining from those Coke Zeros and Cracky Kreme donuts that your doctor told you to stay away from? Did you refrain from going to Dillards and double down on keeping that new budget? If you are still hanging strong, I commend you. As for me, a brotha is struggling! Despite all of the well wishes and vision boards one can create, bad habits are hard to break. Yes, breaking completely free of a bad habit is very hard . . . . which I found out last week. . . . . .
In the midst of a somewhat turbulent week, I found myself going back down that forbidden rabbit hole. I went against the principles that had been preached to me for the past two years. I even addressed it months ago in the article “The Crazy Familiar”. So what was my transgression? Last Thursday, I found myself scheduling a dinner date with an angel from Applebee’s who I met prior to my dating hiatus. If I can be honest, she was the reason I no longer wanted to battle in the arena. This angel reminded me of Jill Scott in her stature and I was captivated by her conversation, verbal elation, and education. From the moment we received each other, everything clicked. At the end of our rendezvous, she kissed me goodbye but I didn’t hear from her after that. The first week I sent text messages to see if she was okay. No response. After several days of daydreaming, I concluded my efforts and decided that I was no longer cut out for dating.
After several months of no correspondence, I broke the rules of dating and I texted her, confessing that I missed her company. I disclosed that I wanted to spend time with her, maybe have dinner or something to exchange thoughts. After two days passed, she sent me a message in the DM and we made plans to meet up during the Christmas holidays. And though I tried to nail down a place and date, she didn’t want to plan at that time. She was busy. That to me signaled that she really didn’t want to meet. So several weeks go by. No Merry Christmas. No Happy Birthday. No Happy New Year.
Fast forward to last Thursday. Ms. Applebee came calling in my DM (it goes down). She told me how much she enjoyed my articles and how the one about losing Ms. Right touched her inner being. She apologized for not getting back with me but stated that work had consumed all of her time. She began stroking my ego by suggesting I write a book and add a weekly video blog to my fan page. She went on for fifteen minutes singing my praise. At this point, I was feeling full of myself and I thanked her for her suggestions. Then I did something I shouldn’t have: I offered to take her to dinner. She agreed and proposed that we meet at the W for dinner and drinks. Without hesitation, I agreed.
After we finished our conversation, my heart was on ten! I was going to have dinner and drinks in the presence of beautiful company. There was still hope that I could win her after all! After a few moments of ignorant bliss, my mind came in the room and shook the shit out of my heart!
“Why are we falling for the okie doke again? Why are you willing to pay $200 on a female that only wants you for a meal? Is you delinquent ninja?”
My mind continued to make a case as to why this Applebee hottie was not good for me. First and second, she doesn’t communicate with me . . . at all . . . . unless solicited. There hasn’t been a time where she has sent a text without me harassing her first. Third and most important, she was unavailable. She stated through an earlier text that she was too busy to date anyone. So why am I trying to push the envelope? It was evident that my mind had a strong case that my heart, although sad, had to concede to.
So the next day, I texted my forbidden mistress back informing her that I forgot that I had a wedding to sing at that day and would need to reschedule (you didn’t think I was going to tell her the truth did you?) As of today, I don’t even know if she responded or not. I do know that I can’t allow myself to fall for unavailable women again. I’m still trying to understand why I keep chasing after fool’s gold. Maybe it’s for all the times I didn’t feel I was good enough in middle school when I had no girlfriend. Maybe it’s for my own ego and having the power to hunt down the most unattainable prey. Whatever it is, I can’t allow myself to succumb to it anymore. Neither should you.
Written by the Wednesday Gentleman