Damn, writing a relationship blog is difficult! At times, it’s exhausting to keep my mind focused on the topic I would like to explore every week. Today is one of those days. I’ve just spent over an hour redirecting my eleven year old son who believes that this world owes him something. And yes, my mental is drained because being a father is my first job and it takes a certain level of patience to deal with today’s youth. My second employ is literally exhausting my energy as I endeavor to hold things together before a major audit being down a vital staff person. Then there’s this dating thing that becomes more exasperating and at times, unaccomodating, as my dreams come closer into view. I started to call my site developer and tell him there would be no blog this week and then my mind went to this song:
“Don’t Want to Be a Fool” brought my mind back into focus. That line at the beginning where Luther talks about his failure at love reminded me of those failed relationships where I continued to date and romance the wrong person:
“. . . . I once believed that love was fair, but I don’t anymore, she said I’m a bore. My heart hit the floor (don’t be a fool anymore)”
No one wants to be taken advantage of. #Truth. Unfortunately in our endeavor to protect our hearts, we develop a hardness that limits who we attract. Our insecurities tell us that we cannot love like we long to. There is no one that will meet our standards. Is it any wonder that we continue that circle of “Why do I continue to attract these bleepidity bleep ninjas/female dogs?”
You know, Paula Abdul messed a lot of us thirty and forty year olds up with her “Opposites Attract” video. We . . well I . . . . honestly believed that that cartoon cat could get with Paula! I mean opposites attract right? So a low budget dude who doesn’t work out, can barely breathe, barely holds a job, has poor hygiene, hasn’t been groomed in months, and stays unemployed has the best odds at dating a woman like Serena “Let Me Be Your Tennis Ball” Williams right? According to Paula that should work right?
However what Paula didn’t share is that while that principle sounds appealing, it only works with magnets. People who are similar normally attract each other. They may appear to be incompatible on the surface, but the soul/heart of those individuals are more than likely the same (see Bobby and Whitney). Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, we fall for people that are similar in character to us. So yes, it should bother you when you consciously continue to date scaly wags and chum buckets. Whether you crave total control or subconsciously have an inner drama king/queen residing inside, the reason for your misery is you.
So it’s me? The problem all along is me? Yep, it’s you buddy! And this is the hardest pill to swallow because let’s face it, we run from responsibility. For a long time I came up with the same excuses for falling for the same needy, crazy ass chicks I just couldn’t live without. A former pastor told me some years back that “like spirits attract each other”. I would find myself closing my eyes on Sunday mornings while I led a Donnie McClurkin or John P Kee song because I would make eye contact with a woman that would take away all my concentration. In a building full of parishioners, it was as if my eyes would know exactly who my next victim would be as we would make contact. From the eye contact they would end up by my car in the parking lot. From the parking lot, it would be the apartment. From the main area . . . . well you know the rest. . . . . . .
So how does one change who they attract? While I was attempting to develop this topic, I saw soooooooooooo many videos that despite how off topic they became or unusual the orator was, the central theme was always the same; love yourself first. Not think you love (i.e. stunting on social media like you are the life of the party but cry whenever you are all alone), actually love. Become whole instead of looking for someone to “complete” you. That line sounded glorious in Jerry McGuire but the fact of the matter is becoming whole is a solo journey. The end result of dating is finding someone to share forever with. Sharing does not equal completing. If I share my pie with you, it means you have and I have. I am giving an item that is not a necessity. Completing means that one cannot exist without what the other brings to the table.
As I continue my dating journey, I continue to evolve. I’ve noticed that who I attract has changed as well. First I was attracting married women (Thank God for deliverance!). Then it was women who were single, crazy, and dramatic. Then it was women who were single, somewhat sane, but were dependent on a man to be completed. Now I’m attracting accomplished intellectuals who are attempting to balance their career, dreams, family, and life. Sound familiar?