Shit That Sounds Better in Theory, Than It Does In Reality

We all have heard things that sound better in theory than they do in reality. You know advice that you’ve heard or sayings that have been passed down from generation to generation that sounds good at the time, until you actually do them, and then you ask yourself, why the f*ck did I do that?

Maybe swimming with Polar bears, wasn't a good idea.
Maybe swimming with Polar bears, wasn’t a good idea.

So here are a couple of things that I feel sound better in theory, than they do in reality.


Yes, we only have one life and only live once, but that doesn’t mean we should try to test the theory of reincarnation either. This especially goes for white people, it seems to me that white people aren’t content with dying regular ass boring deaths, (like of old age). No they have to find new and creative ways to die, from f*cking with dangerous animals who want to be left alone to walking across a tight rope 200 feet in the air. It’s a damn shame what they did to that dog.

Being a stuntman/woman.

I’m sure this is a cool and exciting job, probably with good pay and the world’s best benefits. But I am not going to see how many death defying acts I can do, or see how many bones I can break; just so some big name movie star can look like he does his own stunts and collect awards, while my ass is literally in a sling.

Being the wing-man/woman

We all have a part to play and sometimes one of us has to take one for the team. But why do I have to occupy the blind side just so my homeboy can divide and conquer the cuter one’s legs while playing storm the castle? Sometimes there just isn’t enough liquid courage in the world convincing enough for any man to pet a living gargoyle.

Designated Driver

Even though this is a noble act, making sure everybody gets home safe is a good thing. Besides if something were to ever happen to any of my friends, I don’t think I could live with myself. Having said that, have you ever had to chaperon and baby DMX when he is sober? No, well neither have I, but I imagine it’s the equivalent of trying to coral 4 drunk friends safely into a car. Worse yet imagine having to look after Gremlins that have been fed after midnight, that’s shit is nearly impossible. Or how about trying to make sure your home girl that drunk to much doesn’t get kidnapped by bow-tie and sunglasses wearing hipster who only wants to Rohan Marley her. Even worse, trying to prevent your homeboy with a hair-trigger temper from causing a fight where all of you end up on World Star Hip Hop.

Being the Maid of Honor.

While I personally do not know what it feels like to be a Maid of Honor, I’ve been made to suffer through many an episode of Bridezillas. I’ve also heard hella horror stories from women friends of mine that wanted to cut the Achilles tendon, then pour salt and alcohol in the wound; of their sisters or friends who insisted on acting like the world was her stepping stool. Moral of the story, learn to say no sometimes before you have to dump the body of a loved one in a marsh.

So these are a few examples of things that I think sound better than they actually are. Can you think of any you would like to ad?

Talk to me, I’ll talk back.

Breazy B. Ware

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