I’m not sure if you remember but a long time ago in a galaxy far away, where people wore pajamas and lived life slow, singers had to be able to sing. All you had to gone on about a singer or group was the music, prior to MTV and videos. This isn’t to say that weren’t bad singers back in the 30’s – early 80’s but at least there wasn’t a lot of studio tricks that singers could hide behind. Not to mention live instrumentation instead of computer programs, which made it harder for non-singers to cover up their mistakes – here’s looking at you auto-tune.
So after kicking off my shoes and relaxing my feet – just kicking it, I thought of several singers of today’s time and recent history that probably wouldn’t be able to survive in musical eras of the past, just like Dwight Howard wouldn’t have been able to play in the early 80’s and probably would have ended up being Ralph Sampson jock strap carrier.
But back to the lecture at hand, even though I haven’t made a list in a hella long time, I decided in true Breazy fashion to show you that I did learn how to count in public school and make a list of of singers that on paper look like the can sing but in actuality couldn’t sing their way out of a liquor store bag.
1. Marsha Ambrosius
“First things first I Poppa freaks all the honies” am a Marsha Ambrosius fan, I have both Floetry studio albums as well as their live album – she makes good songs and is a go to person for a hook or two. And it goes without saying that I have Marsha’s debut album, but it took me 4 albums and 9 years to realize that Marsha can’t sing. Have you ever heard bees humming while being sat on my Precious? Me neither, but that’s how Marsha’s voice sounds. Just listen to her sing, all is well when she first starts off, but as soon as she get’s a head full steam it sounds like nails raked across a chalk board
To me Jeremih is like Lloyd, no matter how old they are, they both sound like pre-adolescent boys yoodling. Seriously they could be 80 years old sounding like Steve Urkel imitating Michel’le, I’m not exactly sure if that made sense, but I’ll just charge it to the game like Future throwing pass interference on Russell Wilson. In addition to Jeremih sounding like he never hit puberty, he just can’t sing, and I don’t mean in the Bobby Brown can’t sing kind of way, where his singing is debated. I mean dude’s struggle voice struggles.
3. Johnny Gill
Johnny Gill falls into that late 80’s – mid 90’s crop of male singers that could possibly sing, if only they would stop hollering all the damn time. I don’t think Johnny met a growl he didn’t like, and don’t mention shit about using his indoor voice; hell, while people were tripping off of Christian Bale sounding like a growling bear in Dark Knight, they could have just used Johnny’s voice from “Rub You the Right Way.” In between his hollering and boisterous ad-libs, I bet he’s never learned how to use his indoor voice.
4. Trey Songz
If you looked up the definition of studio singer, you would probably see Trey Songz wearing the same vest that R. Kelly wore on the 12 Play album, since he likes showing off his bird chest all the time. To say that he is a better songwriter than singer, is an understatement; he sounds decent on records but sounds like Jeremih gargling live.
I often wondered why Babyface (who could sing) and LA Reid picked T-Boz to be TLC’s lead singer. It’s not like she could sing and that husky ass smokers voice didn’t do anything to make me change my mind. It’s like she was pre- Alicia Keys with her deep ass voice before Alicia Keys. Fuck around and call Alicia first thing in the morning and you would think you were talking to MC Ren. While the early 90’s was a time for upbeat, catchy songs that were also dance able, you still needed to halfway sing, and sadly T-Boz was seriously lacking the chops much like LeBron’s shape up – just let it go.
I’ve picked on the beige ninja enough this week, but you know he sounds like your 5 year old nephew singing into a rotating fan.
Who are some other singers that you think couldn’t sing to save their lives?
Talk to me, I’ll talk back.