You know it’s difficult sometimes to sit and write down my thoughts and feelings for you all to consume. Although I enjoy this version of therapy for me, some things are rather difficult to discuss. Today’s subject matter is no different.
Let me start off by saying that pain changes people. In my thirty something year journey of life, I’ve discovered that there are different types of pain one can experience. You can have chronic pain, acute pain, visceral pain, neuropathic pain, and so on and so on. Whether in the physical or emotional, we all have felt pain. And in that pain, there is a constant reminder of what has happened to cause it. These are our scars. Maybe your father abandoned you. Maybe you fractured your leg or tore a muscle during a basketball game. Or maybe you went through a divorce, dividing half of your assets and having to spend half of the time with your children. Whatever the pain, we’ve all been there. But how do we love again when we continue to experience failed relationship after failed relationship? What do we do when we have recovered from the broken leg just to injury the other one in the first game back? How do we continue with our incomplete lives when we find that absentee father who we desperately want to accept us and he still does not want us?
What befalls many of us after experiencing continual hurt is that we become perpetual skeptics. We doubt our self worth and in turn, doubt others that are assigned to assist us. We begin to sabotage ourselves and look for affirmation from others that are bitter with life. You know the ones . . . . . . . . .
You will find those dumb ass ideologies that state that women can do without men and all the other jibber jabber that people will like and share on social media. However I don’t subscribe to that nonsense. As much as we may get on each other’s nerves, we (meaning men and women) need each other. Although I’ve been divorced for over six years now, it is my wish to be married again. I know quite a few “two and three times single” folk who enjoy being on their own but I’ve had my run. Loving and sharing a life with someone that is not my immediate family is my focus. In order to have my focus, I had to shake the pain.
Now with the pain that I’ve experienced, I began to lose sight of what love truly was. In order to find love again, I had to “reboot”. I stopped listening to the radio. I stopped watching a lot of television. I found myself reading and writing more. I stopped hanging around so many people that spoke nothing but negativity. I began taking counsel from married men who were, get this, happy in their marriages. And maybe one of the hardest things I had to do . . . . I had to learn to refrain from every “invitation” that was afforded to me.
I remember several years ago I pulled my groin muscle on the leg press machine in the gym. After taking several months to heal, I continued my daily routine of going to the gym but I absolutely refused to get on the leg press. I was nervous, no, intimidated to get back on the machine. Every time I got near the machine, I flashed back to that painful Monday and relived the pain all over again. I remember one moment feeling like the strongest man alive pushing over five hundred pounds and then in an instant, feeling a sharp pull on the inside of my upper thigh and becoming scared out of my mind. I remember all the guys trying to help get the weight off of my legs and pull me off the machine. I never felt so helpless. (Sigh) I knew I couldn’t keep avoiding it. Of course there were other exercises I could engage myself with but the machine was there . . . . . . mocking me. And I wasn’t about to be mocked! Eventually, I got over my fear and whipped the leg press machine’s ass. That same mentality has me addressing my fears and hurts as it relates to love.
The scars may remind you of of the pain but don’t let it define who you are. Love is on the other side of all of that hurt. Don’t be intimidated by the past. Open your heart. Open your mind. Love is waiting.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”.