I have this hilarious book called “50 Dates Worse Than Yours”, and I’m pretty sure if they wanted to do a follow-up book, they could just asked me what happened between 1997-2014 and I would be able to contribute to Part 2. I’ve always wondered how is it that I’ve been dating longer than the majority of my friends, but have dated less than the majority of my friends? Let that sink in for a minute…
I suck at dating. Maybe I’m too awesome or something, but I truly feel that I am cursed. This has to be the reason that I’ve the “luck” I’ve had over the years when it comes to that ritual of courtship we all must go through. From the time I went on my first date with the guy who blew the whistle at my local skating rink, to that one time a guy passed out and peed on my chaise lounge, I’ve definitely had some interesting excursions with the opposite sex. You should definitely read the book ( I’m sure can get a used copy for 50 cents or something on Amazon), but if you want to hear a more personal account of awful love connections, I have a few to share:
- F THE POLICE: I told this guy that I always wanted to go paintballing ( Is that a word? If it’s not, it is now), and he suggested that we do it on our first date. How cute! Here was a guy who listened to me, and made a plan that didn’t involve splitting a #4 at McDonald’s. I knew that we were meeting up with his crew for this activity, but I didn’t mind, because I was going to get to shoot him. They traditionally met in an abandoned JC Penney building, but unfortunately it was locked when we arrived. I was upset that I wasn’t going to be able to fly down a broken escalator screaming “say hello to my little friend!”, but I had to get over that rather quickly. We then jetted off to a closed paint ball field where he knew the owner, who let them play after hours. Everyone geared up, and we got right to it. The excitement lasted 10 minutes, after I got hit the first time while trying to stand behind his 6-foot frame. I said I was taking a break to use the ladies room, which unfortunately was located between two moving trucks. Being the only woman there and all the guys were on the field, I felt pretty safe. This feeling died quickly as I was in mid-stream and a set of headlights shone onto the dirt-paved lot. It was a freaking police car! People get arrested for public peeing? I thought I was going to jail for being gross, but in all actuality, someone called the police to report people on the paintball field after hours. All the guys and I had to line up along the police cars, and show IDs. Luckily, things cooled off rather quickly when the cops became excited about the authenticity of the paint ball guns they were using. As all the men started to have a sword fight in front of me, one of my date’s friend’s mentions the fact that he and I are on a date. It is then mentioned to the cop that it’s our first date. The cop then mentions that it will be our last. He was correct.
- ROOMIES: I met a guy online, which was probably the most normal thing about this dude. He always seem to be a little to secretive and vague but I decided to give him a chance. We probably went on the longest date I have ever been on, which involved Mexican food, a quiet walk through a mosquito infested field behind his house, and the worst Bacardi and Cokes I ever had in my life (no ice). This may seem like a pretty short and boring tale, but I’m 99% sure that the “roommate” he lived with was his actual girlfriend, who was mysteriously in a room that he refused the open the door to. First of all, when we got to his house, he told me where to park and said he was going to run in and make us drinks. He gives me the apartment number and runs off. When I get to the door, I knock on it, and he literally had me waiting at the door for 5 minutes. When he finally opened the door, he seemed genuinely surprised that I was outside! There were instructions to be really quiet, and that we had to tip-toe around so as not to wake up the roommate. I know it sounds crazy for a guy to have the cajones to bring a date to his house and he has a live-in woman, but I don’t think any other roommate would be in a picture frame with my date while holding hands ( he didn’t know I saw it). He tried to tell me it was his mother, but I’m pretty sure his mommy didn’t look 35 and have a backpack in the kitchen.
- SO YOU’RE A FUNNY GUY: This happened during a time in my life when I went on a string of 32 first dates from match.com. Just in case anyone is curious, I’m a really great first date, but apparently not great enough for a second (clearly, all those men were delusional jerks). On this particular date ( it was a second!), I met the guy at his house, and we were headed for a nice day on the Fort Lauderdale boardwalk. When I arrived at his house, he wasn’t quite dressed for the occasion. He wasn’t naked or anything, but he had on a wife beater, and I feel that is a wrong message to send for a first impression. He was cute and nice enough, and left me in the living room with his boa constrictor (bonus), while he went to go change into something more “appropriate.” When he emerged from his bedroom, I was able to determine that “appropriate” to him was a pair of khaki and a t-shirt of a man flipping a coin, right next to the phrase “ Heads, I Get Tail, Tails, I Get Head”. He must’ve seen the dead look on my face as I stared at his shirt, but all I got was a smirk and a “What?” He asked if I wanted him to go change, and never forget the phrase I uttered to this day: “No, you wear this shirt. Clearly, you felt that it was acceptable attire for a second date IN PUBLIC with me, so no, please keep the shirt on.” We headed out to Las Olas Riverfront, where I proceeded to ignore him and people stared at his shirt and looked at me with pity.
- YOU HAVE TEN MINUTES: Everyone knows I have a difficult time dealing with people who are late. I am completely OCD when it comes to time, and often arrive early to everything. First impressions mean everything to me, as you can see from previous stories, so a man being on time for a date is extremely important. If you’re late, I don’t want you. So when I was set to meet up with a guy at a football game and he was running late, I should’ve known things were going to be a disaster. At first, I was hopeful. He did what a considerate person should do, he told me ahead of time that he was running late, which worked out as I was as well. We agreed to meet in front of the stadium, and when I finally pulled into the parking lot, he hadn’t arrived yet. I waited awhile (30 minutes) before I sent him a “where the F are you” text. I kindly indicated that being late was a pet peeve of mine, and that if he wasn’t there in 10 minutes, I would leave him and walk into the stadium (they were my tickets). He said 10 minutes was all he needed. Another 30 minutes later, after discussing my dilemma with all the ushers at the front gate, I decided to stroll in. “You goin’ in girl?!” was yelled at me by a few of the ladies, and one gave me a high-five. I don’t wait for anybody. When I finally got up to my seat, he sends me a message, saying he was here. I said I was sitting in my seat. He found his way into the stadium somehow, and I reluctantly told him where my seats were. When he climbed up the steps and showed himself, he wasn’t so attractive anymore. He didn’t even apologize, and even tried to hug me. My body language clearly indicated that I wanted no part of him, but he was oblivious, and when the game was over he tried to kiss me and ask for another date. I said “maybe” through clenched teeth and my best fake smile, so I’m sure you can figure out how that ended.
- NO DUMPING ZONE: If you’re going to go on a date with your boyfriend, make sure you get a location first. The final date I had with an ex-boyfriend took place in a parking lot, overlooking the romantic red glow of a Target sign and Cold Stone Creamery. I ended up getting dumped in that parking lot, but because I didn’t want to tell anyone I had broken up with my man, so I decided to drive around the streets until it was time for me to go home. This ruse went on for an entire week, because I wanted no pity party from my family, and so I just became pitiful alone. I reached rock bottom when I went to the $1.50 show and watched Maleficent with 4 other people on a Wednesday night. It is actually quite a hilarious story to tell now, but not when I was hiding from my friends and family in a cheap theatre in Detroit.