Over a year ago, I stepped away from a relationship that took years to cultivate. I remember that horrible night because I made the toughest decision in my life to date. I consciously made the choice to step away from a woman who I loved deeply. To this date, I have never pursued a woman as hard as I did with this young lady. I spent two years chasing her, trying to get her to notice me, being her confidant, etc., etc. When we finally made the choice to be together, I felt that I had reached the top of Love’s Mountain. In her, I saw myself erasing all the mistakes I made with my ex-wife. I saw myself in fast forward with her. She helped me to develop and obtain all that I have now. I never had a woman to stand behind me like she did. She went to the end of the world and back for me. She slowly became my Earth. And then . . . . . . the rain came. As I began to evolve, she grew to hate me as I did not want to be “ordinary”. Although she said she stood in my corner, she was silently desiring my demise. As my dreams began to take flight, she slowly began to distance herself. She began to despise my drive and fought against me taking part of anything that did not involve her. She would make comments about other men wanting her. She had other male friends getting next to her and she believed in them more than me. So as all this was revealed, I made a choice to leave. I refused to walk into a marriage in this shape. The sad thing in all of this was taking the ring I purchased back to the diamond store . . . . . .
After I walked out the door and got into my truck, I told myself that I wasn’t going to date again. The anger of several years lost filled my eyes as I drove off. Like any man, I had some temporary affairs as I tried to get over the pain. Nothing is worse than stepping away from something that gives you happiness. I had to keep reminding myself that this was best for both of us because she wanted a man that I couldn’t become. To be the man that she wanted, I had to go in reverse and lock my dreams away for good. I promised myself that I would never do that again because greater was on my agenda and I refused to let it go. But like most of us, we go back to the familiar normally compromising ourselves for that feeling. And when I went back, I was no longer a man. I was less. I ended up being manipulated and shattered like broken glass. As I picked myself up off the floor, I took the key and locked my heart away.
As much as I didn’t want to share this, I felt the need to get this off my chest. Not for any feed back. Not for any comments. Not for anyone trying to provide therapy for me. I knew I needed to speak on this because I attempted to write on several other topics but I wasn’t at peace with it. I couldn’t get behind it. It’s very rare that I sit in front of my laptop and not have some topic that I want to further dialogue. It’s rare that I don’t have my thoughts together. You see, I plan things out in advance so that I can have some type of balance in my life. As I tread through the week attempting to be the best father to my son and daughter, I want to make things simple as possible for me so that I’m not stressed out as much. Bills are going to come. Unexpected events are going to happen. I believe in controlling what I can control. However this week has been a little different. I couldn’t control this.
I haven’t been able to focus lately because I needed to let this go before I move on. My heart has been in prison for some months now and it’s been hard for me to get close to anyone who wasn’t already in my inner circle. I’m ready to date again because I want that balance in my life again. I want to have that person that I can watch television with and laugh at the craziest things. I want to be able to be the music geek that I am, singing show tunes without prejudice. I want to talk about my fears openly. I want to be me. . . . free . . . . . .