Triple Threat

sportsfan

 

( My first drunken sunburn opened up my life to college football)

Thought I had it in the bag. I’m a rare commodity: I’m a cute girl who loves football- a lot more than most men I know. Everyone said that guys would flock to me once they figured out I was a sports fanatic. That my idea of an ideal first date would be going to a Heat game and dinner at a steak house. In fact, my dream marriage proposal would be on a jumbo tron at the Super Bowl. I should have no problem in the boyfriend department, right?

Wrong. Now, I’m going to shock a lot of my friends right now and mostly embarrass myself, but I HAVEN’T HAD A BOYFRIEND IN 10 YEARS. Now, I’ve had a couple of “situations”- 1 month here, 2 months there, but never someone I claimed as my man. I don’t want to sound jaded, but it is damn near impossible to find a decent guy in Miami! There’s too much variety down here in the 305- guys from the Midwest and East Coast get down here and nearly piss themselves when they see all the toys they can play with! And these dolls aren’t just “Made in the USA”. No, the tags on these Barbies in the MIA are “Made in Brazil”, “Made in Venezuela”, even “Made in Jamaica & China”!

Now, I’m not a bad looking woman. Granted, I’m closer to my Before picture than my After, but I do ok. But guys never approach me, never want to date me, never want to meet me at the end of an aisle and impregnate me. I saw a frightening woman on an episode of “Bridezillas” who not only had an ex-husband, but also a new fiancee’ who was the former best friend of another ex…. FIANCEE’! So if SHE can get at least 3 men to propose to her, why can’t I keep a boyfriend for at least 6 months???? And that chick was a 5 at best- I’m at least a 7.

basketball fiend

( big head, little legs… story of my life)

And the thing is I have an advantage over the Barbies from around the world and the wildebeest on reality TV: I KNOW SPORTS. I watch the same Sportscenter 3 times in one day- especially if my team wins. I can name at least 30 current Miami Hurricanes in the NFL alone. I play fantasy football and have been to World Series games. I can tell you who scored the 10 millionth point in NBA history ( Ben Gordon, a PISTON at that!). I have a tattoo of my school logo on my pelvic area ( It’s all About that U !). With all that being said, I should be a shoe-in for lifelong love and happiness, right? Wrong.

It’s the exact opposite. I meet a guy and for some odd reason, he is not enamored by my ability to talk about the NFL playoffs-he’s confused. He thinks I’m either a lesbian or I have Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder feeding ESPN highlights into my ear. Here’s some reactions I get:

“You like sports? Do you also like the ladies?”

“Shell, you’re cute and some of the most amazing legs I’ve ever seen on someone who’s 5’1″, but you are like one of the guys ‘cuz you like to drink and watch the Ravens!”

“You want me to take you to a Heat game? Is it going to be outside?”

The ironic part of it all is that quite a few of the men I’ve gotten serious with aren’t even into sports. I get a pair of extra tix to a Dolphins game and ask if buddy wants to go, and he complains that it’ll probably be too hot and doesn’t want to deal with the people. WTF?? Those “people” have BEER & CINNAMON ROASTED ALMONDS. Granted, it’ll cost you around $20 bucks, but that’s besides the point.

So where does that leave me? Manless, with no one to go to the Marlins game with. What else do I need to do? Pretend to watch football and have no idea what’s going on? Ask if the pitcher has gone on the field yet? Inquire about how many free throws they get to kick through the uprights?

Screw that. I’m not going to apologize for the fact that I’m a sports genius. I’m not going to dumb down my knowledge of all the black guys who play in NHL. I won’t turn in my football season tickets for a Prada bag. I won’t be upset if some lame ass guy doesn’t know the difference between the SEC, ACC, or BCS. If it means that I have to use my stat sheets to keep me warm at night, then so be it.

* And in case you thought I was joking, here it goes: Ed, Ray-Ray, Tavares, Willis, Andre, Roscoe, Antrel, Calais, Santana, Sinorice, Rocky, Clinton, Phillip, Dan, Damione, Greg, Vernon, Brandon, Vince, Jon, DJ, Reggie, Kelly, Frank, Bryant, Kenny, Brett, Jeremy, John, and Kellen. And I don’t need to give last names. I’m that good.

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