Respect the Primp

 

crazybathroom

There are approximately 43 items on this sink. There is also a spattering of hair spray, soap, water, and makeup on the mirror. My toothbrush  seems to have committed suicide into the sink, jumping in because there was simply no space on the countertop for him to live. Does this look like a crime scene?  Was I attacked by an intruder in the middle of the night in my bathroom and had to use hairspray? No, this is the result of trying to get ready for a date, with someone who didn’t receive a SECOND date because he became upset when I wouldn’t stop watching Dexter to talk to him. I mean, it’s DEXTER!  Come on…

Before you question the cleanliness of my sink ( it’s water and makeup people!), if you’re a woman, your sink has looked like this- it might even look like this now. And if you’re a man reading this ( thanks guys!), your sink may be a victim to your girlfriend’s crap, and you start to wish that you never told her she “could keep a few things here”. However, this is the necessary method to our beauty madness. In order to understand our struggle, you need to know exactly what we go through to make ourselves look good, whether it be for a hot date, work, going to Publix, or attending a Heat game ( if you’re in Miami, you know what I’m talking about- girls are ready TO GO!). If your lady has had the bathroom door closed going on an hour and all you’re doing is going to Chili’s to watch the game, she may be going through the one of the following transformations ( or perhaps a plethora of them):

PAINTING HER FACE: Most of the damage comes from this ancient ritual of painting ourselves like sexy clowns. Mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow, lip gloss, blush, and cement glue- all these are key ingredients that will take us from WTF to OMG. The process of getting the right combination of these 32 ingredients is difficult, so there is often a rotating application/removal process. And just when we think it looks perfect, you can’t find the ONE lipstick you really want to wear. So we still are going to need “five more minutes”…

DEFUZZING THE GOOD PARTS: This may be the most vital part of the process. Legs need to be shaved, eyebrows need to be plucked ( do you want to make out with Bert?), and some chicks have beards. If you don’t want to rub up on Sasquatch after your dinner date, you will let your woman take her time in the bathroom. and if she is taking longer to complete THIS process, don’t be mad. TRUST ME, this is going to work out in your favor.

FRYING HAM, I MEAN, HAIR: There’s nothing like having a “good” hair day. When your ‘do is on point, you want to conquer the world, cross everything off your to-do list, and flirt with random strangers. However, these days occur about 3 times a month, if you’re lucky. The rest of the days are questionable decisions made in 10 minutes or less, with a little water and hairspray. Trying to wash your hair, condition it, blow it out, and then straighten it is a procedure that can sometimes be compared to torture. It takes time, lots of prayers, and a minimum of 45 minutes.

MAKING EVERYTHING FRESH AS PRODUCE: The typical male idea of freshening up for a date is breathing into his cupped hands and seeing if his breath is okay, and dousing himself with some Axe body spray. Women have to apply several different “sprucers” to make sure everything is as crisp as fresh sheets. After the initial application of the latest Bath & Body fragrance ( how about Juniper Cherry Moon Romance?), there is also the difficult decision of going with an accompanying body spray or cleaning it all off and deciding to bust out the fancy perfume. Heaven forbid, we have clashing scents!  Oh, and wait, we JUST found that lipstick!  Now there’s another 5 minute delay…

PROPPING THEM UP, AND POKING THEM OUT: Once the 10th “right” outfit has been found, we have to adjust our body parts to make sure everything looks good. You may have to undergo several bra changes ( strapless, T-back, or use of the Bra Genie clip), putting a jacket on to hide your whale arms, then deciding to take it off because it’s too hot which requires you to once again change your shirt.

A few poses are struck, and FINALLY- you have found the right look!  After 15 selfies of the same pose, you can finally open the bathroom door, to find your man passed out on the couch and the blast of some fresh A/C. You feel like a queen, and damn it, you look like one! So the next time you whine to your woman if she’s “ready yet”, think of the alternative: you could walk out the door with a hairy, smelly, unkempt beast with bed head. And who wants to take her to Artwalk?

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