I’m going to get straight to the point. I was on Facebook earlier today ( I’m usually on here 90% of my day- just kidding. Or am I?), and saw a hilarious meme that my cousin posted on her page. The comedian Mo’Nique was at the center, and several curse words surrounded her with a message for the women out there regarding sexual relations ( Google it- it’s pretty funny). Although my cousin’s message said it a bit differently, I thought this was great advice for my ladies out there: It’s probably not a good idea to be intimate with someone you can’t call in case of an emergency.
I’m not sure wiser words were ever spoken. Although the sentiment comes straight from the desk of Captain Obvious, it is a topic that is debated on a daily basis with women ( and men) all over the world. We talk about it with our best friends. We debate whether to do the deed or not with the Peanut Gallery ( aka our BFFs). Some people Google the topic on the internet in order to read about other people’s experiences. We may even ask the Magic 8 Ball ( should I or shouldn’t I?).
There are moral implications on whether to do it or not. One’s decision can be religious-based. Mostly, it will be from your own experiences. In the end, you are going to make your own decisions on whether to do the deed or not. But the aforementioned advice is geared toward an extremely specific group of people. We can go ahead and take out people who are married or engaged ( you better be able to call your husband or fiancée’ in case of emergency!). I’m talking to the single people out there who have yet to either put a ring on it or have someone propose putting a ring on them. In today’s world of infidelity, sneakiness, social media, YOLO behavior, and no shame, it has become more difficult and downright scary to casually date and consider getting between the sheets with just anyone. Not that anyone should do that in the first place, but if anyone out there is still considering casually, um, DOING someone, think about this- if you can’t put them down with confidence as your emergency contact, don’t do it.
Think about it. Why would you want to be intimate with someone you can’t trust to come pick you up after Lasik surgery? The person who the nurse needs to call after you tried to make a four-course meal you CLEARLY have no business making, and now you wound up in the emergency room? If they can’t help you, why would you trust them to hump you? ( Sidenote: I know that was a terrible joke, but I just couldn’t help myself). There are too many people out there involving themselves with people who don’t deserve their time, and definitely not the right to listen to their homemade “Slow Jamz 4” sexy-time mix. We need to get past being okay being with someone who will answer a “make me feel good text” in the middle of the night, but has no idea of your personal emergency escape route in case things gets real. It is an absolute privilege to share yourself with another person, and you should govern yourself accordingly. Otherwise, you’re just a plain ‘ol hot mess.
In addition to being a confident emergency contact , there are also a few other criteria I feel the entire single world should adopt when determining whether or not someone is worthy of getting in between your sheets, amongst other things:
- If they personally don’t know another emergency contact of yours, don’t do it (and vice versa).
- If you don’t know their last name, you might want to keep it closed.
- If you wouldn’t trust them to be your Spades partner, just leave them alone.
- If they don’t know your alma mater ( or haven’t cared enough to ask), please block their number.
- If you wouldn’t trust them to come pick you up off the side of the road in case you get a flat tire, I hope you forget their name.
- If you wouldn’t trust them to be your DD ( designated driver), don’t pick up the phone.
- If you don’t talk to them on a regular basis ( every two weeks DOES NOT count), they are not a good choice. And I’m not talking about texting, I’m talking about picking up the damn phone and having a real live conversation.
- If you would be hesitant to introduce them to your family ( and not because your family is crazy), you need to meet someone else.
- If they don’t know what you’re allergic to, you shouldn’t be intimate with him/her. Seriously, someone that is getting THAT CLOSE to you should know you can’t eat strawberries.
- If you truly do not care about them, don’t allow them to get that close to you ( now this is straight from the desk of Captain Obvious).
See? Hot Mess Life does care about you…