Know When Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em

 ( I am so done)

I am not in a good place people, and at this point, I don’t particularly care. Everyone is telling me it’s just a phase and are in hopes that I’ll come out if it. I’m sure it will, but the future is not looking too bright, guys. I am a bit ashamed of my mindset right now and it’s pretty embarrassing to admit, but I’m in the business of putting my business out there, so maybe my sad little state of affairs will prove as therapy for me, help others in the same situation, or make someone else feel better about themselves because they’re not as odd as I am. What’s my problem, you may ask?  I am done trying find love in a hopeless place.

I’m done looking for love, trying to find it, and seeking it out. I have deactivated my online dating profile ( for the last, last time, I swear). I am no longer going out to social functions in hopes that a nice guy might be lingering at the bar. I no longer have the desire to match my workout attire at the gym anymore- I just don’t care. My love life has always been a hot mess since I had my first horrible kiss in boarding school, and it has chosen not to disappoint well in my 30s. Sure, I’ve had a few relationships in my life, but not as many significant as one might think for someone my age. I had steady boyfriends in high school, and then some sort of Noah’s Ark drought happened and I’ve haven’t had any real luck since.

After not dating anyone significant at all during my collegiate years, I was hopeful that things would change as I began to live my “adult life”, but no such luck. I made a ton of terrible decisions when it came to love and have continued this trend up until a couple of years ago, and have accepted the fact that I was mostly to blame. It’s always the same sentiment, right ladies and gents? You go looking for love in all the wrong places, picking men and women who you KNOW show up to front door with a red flag in hand on the first date, but you try to keep hope alive. This leads to 2 months here, 3 months there, but nothing of real significance. Let’s look at my resume in the past, let’s say , 5 years:

  • Had a boyfriend who I never even held hands with- that fell apart after I was at the receiving end of some scintillating baby mama drama
  • Damaged about 3 friendships, trying to “cross the line” into love, and failed miserably
  • Involved in a long-distance “situationship” that broke my heart dearly

Throughout all of that, I dabbled in online dating one too many times, always having a horrible date that would convince me to delete my account, but boredom and the thought of meeting “The One” like my best friend did always brought me back ( just in case). And that’s the feeling that keeps all of us holding on, and it should- the thought that this time, it’s going to work out. But I have finally had my fill of going out with seemingly normal, nice guys who just suddenly disappear. Even the awesome dates somehow ended in absolutely nothing. When you get burned by the red flags AND the nice guys with awesome teeth and morals, you give up. At least, I have.

And it’s not a nice feeling. Oh trust me, I know this is not a good look. This diatribe that I’m spilling forth to everyone is not exactly a great pick-up strategy for me, and may have potential male suitors going “What’s wrong with this woman?”. But I wouldn’t be a hot mess ( and a hilarious blogger) if I didn’t keep it real and share my story. I probably have to look inward, find myself, and realize the problem lies with me, blah, blah, blah. But as far  searching for love, I. AM. DONE. In fact, I’m exhausted.

Here comes another cliché: Everyone will say “Well, now that you will stop looking, that’s when love will come along”. Yea, okay. Not to sound bitter or jaded ( but I will of course), I’m not sure that’s a given. Don’t get me wrong, I would welcome love if the right person came along, but I’m not sure that the mere action of me deleting my online profiles and not giving a damn will cause an Idris Elba look-a-like to come storming out of the bushes and trying to take me to Prime 112 on a Friday night.

The place I’m right now is a scary one, so I am not even sure if Prince Charming WANTS to meet me right now. I’m not sure if anyone has been in the same rut, but it’ll end I’m sure at some point. For now, please allow me to wallow in my sadness for a bit. Let me not care for a while. Let me DO ME ( I hate that saying). Hey, love don’t live here anymore, and I’m not sure it ever has.

 

If you want to laugh at me a bit more, check out my hub at www.hotmesslife.wordpress.com

 

 

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