The last time I had an actual boyfriend:
- “If You Had My Love” By JLo was a #1 hit
- “The Blair Witch Project” was the surprise movie hit of the year
- I was rocking a silver, “No Limit Soldier” chain and thought I was pretty cool
- Gas was around $1.17 per gallon
- I was still having long, drawn-out AOL Instant Messenger sessions with my friends back home
- I was drinking St. Ides Special Brews
For the last decade, I have been involved in several scenarios, arrangements, and “situations”. I never liked anyone long enough to call them my own, and during this tenure of single life, I was only approached sporadically. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Over the years, I’ve been constantly asked, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”, and I became sick of replying that no one ever really asks me out. Everyone would always say that they didn’t believe me; that I was being bashful, but it’s always been the honest truth.
I know many of you can relate to that odd phenomenon of never being approached when you’re single and hoping that someone will soon make you half of their Bonnie/Clyde, Ike/Tina, Kim Kardashian/Some Random Dude (maybe not the best examples, but hey, they were all couples). You are trying to patiently wait for love to come find you, but all you get is the weird guy in the corner of the bar, who smells funny and is currently “between gigs”. It’s as if the raw scent of singledom is man-repellant- something you spray on, resulting in the absence of any quality man-candy, and the attraction of the occasional gnat.
And then a miracle happens… love comes along, and knocks you right off your feet! You turn in your third-wheel card and boom! You have yourself a man!
I recently ended my drought of being the single one in the bunch, and got myself a boo. A Boyfriend. A man. A partner. A person who I can make do stuff. And I haven’t been happier. After countless horrible dates, questionable lapses in judgement, and about 5 male friendships ruined, I have a person again. But along with that, there’s been a renewed interest in me, which has been pretty much been absent since I was dating Usher’s dopppledanger in the summer of 1999.
Now, I’m not saying that I have never been approached over the years, because I most certainly have- but not to the degree of fervor that’s happening now that I’m taken. This recent interest in me has confirmed that there is a physical scent that newly, coupled women (and men) give off that causes the dogs, leeches, scallywags, and skanks to come out of the woodwork and try to ruin a good thing.
Men who never returned my phone calls are suddenly texting me out of the blue. Guys who didn’t make it to a second date are shooting me “Let’s get together emails”. The chaps I used to fawn over who didn’t give a second look are now falling over themselves to talk to me. Where were you people when I was going to Kings of Leon concerts by myself? Why were you not around when I was chanting “Let’s Go Heat” with an empty seat next to, pretending that my “friend” was running late? I must also divulge another side effect of what I like to coin “The Fresh Off the Market Scent”. The aura around me has also lured a freakishly large number of married and taken men. What is that all about? They should be the last ones approaching attached women, but apparently I have an iridescent hologram flashing “JUMP-OFF” on my forehead. And they won’t go away. Some of them actually think that they’re going to get somewhere. Must we revisit Delivery Boy from the Valentine’s Day fiasco? He questioned the validity of my newly minted union due to the impending Doomsday- perhaps that was his way of trying to get a date. EPIC FAIL.
And women aren’t the only ones who give off this scent. I imagine that it’s even worse for unavailable men. We’ve all heard of the “ring” trick- this involves single men purposely wearing a wedding ring in order to attract more women. And apparently it works. Which means our world is in a pretty sad state of affairs- no one wants you when you’re single, and everybody is scrambling for you once you become attached. Perhaps it’s the thrill of the chase, or the excitement of going after the unknown. But a warning to all of those who want to chase after danger: If you keep running after something that belongs to someone else, you may end up with one of two things: heartache and/or a prescription (no explanation needed).
CORNER POLITICS 