I definitely consider myself an impatient person. Someone at work called me “mean” the other day, I am very sarcastic, and I usually don’t have time for stupidity. Besides being late as my Number One Pet Peeve, people asking stupid and unnecessary questions comes in at a close second. We all know the phrase “There are no stupid questions”. Wrong. I hear dumb questions on a daily basis. On television. At the grocery store. At work. In the gym. At the pool. At happy hour. I try to ignore them and be polite, but my mind is screaming ” Why in the world would you ask me that?”. Because I try not to be rude whenever possible, I just smile, nod, and answer the question. Is anyone else out there as fed up as I am? How many times have you heard these beauties:
- “HOW ARE YOU?”: This question is only acceptable if you are not a moving target. I am totally fine with you asking me how I am if we are actually standing still and in the same place. If you have me cornered in the elevator and we are forced to say hello, then I may even ask you the same. And will be genuinely be interested in hearing your answer. But the drive-by “how you doin’” is absolutely ridiculous. If someone walks by you and inquires how you’re doing, and they keep on walking, they don’t really care. Otherwise, they would stop and have a conversation with you. So please, stop asking folks how they are if you don’t plan on standing still to hear the answer.
- “CAN I HAVE SOME?”: No, this is not the polite way of asking if you can get down and dirty, I’m talking about trying to eat someone else’s food. I think this is the rudest question out there, besides “Are you pregnant?”, and “do these pants make my butt look big?”. First of all, you should never ask someone if you can have what’s on THEIR plate. Proper protocol calls for the one with the plate to inquire if anyone would like a bite of their delicious meal. Many people do this even when they are in hopes everyone will say no, but they say it out of having good manners. If this question is posed to you, then go for it. Have a piece of my steak. But if I don’t say anything, neither should you. How awkward is it going to be if you pose that question and I say no? Now I look the jerk who won’t give you a piece of my NY strip. If you really wanted some of my Outback special, you should have ordered it yourself.
- “DO YOU MISS ME?”: I have been guilty of using this one on people, and only when someone asked me for the hundredth time, did I realize how stupid of a question it was. Stupid in the sense that it’s not genuine. When someone asks you this question, they are simply fishing for feelings. If these words have ever been uttered your way, did you notice it was never in a normal, conversational tone of voice? It’s always whispered, uttered in a sing-songy voice, and can sometimes sound just plain ol’ creepy. This is another question that will make the recipient seem like a jackass if they answer a truthful no. What would be appropriate if someone just straight up told you that they missed you, with no pretense. Grow some cojones and just tell me how you feel, instead of hoping I’ll do the same.
- “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?”: This one annoys people the most, but hardly anyone says anything about this idiotic question. 99.9% of the time, it’s a no-brainer question, but some people feel the need to say it anyway. If I’m at the Jeezy concert and you’re at the Jeezy concert, 10 times out of 10 we’re both here to see a concert. It blows my mind that there are so many mindless questions thrown out there in people’s conversations. When your friend runs into you at Whole Foods and says “Hey, what are you doing here?”, fight the urge to smack them. Maybe they really don’t know that you’re there to pick up some Naked juice and fresh scallops. In this situation, a nice ” Hey it’s nice to see you” would suffice. I even give you permission to say “Hey, how are you?”.
- “YOU HAVE A BATHROOM I CAN USE?”: No I do not. I have an outhouse in the back- watch out for the flies. So many people head to book club meetings, game nights, and dinner parties and arrive at their host’s abode, only to ask this silly question. A better way to find the loo would be to say “Hey buddy, where’s your bathroom?”. Seems pretty sensible and straight-forward. Now, I’m no Einstein, but I’m pretty sure there aren’t many houses and apartments that have been built-in the last 100 years that aren’t equipped with a water closet. There may be a few people who live in motels with no bathroom in their place, like Prince Hakeem and Simmy from Coming To America, but all they had to was go down the hall.