F Me Pumps: Shoes Matter

Every woman has a pair of these. A pair of fantastic shoes, collecting dust at the top of their closet, because they’re waiting for the right occasion to prance around like a deer straight out of the womb. Prada. BCBG. Betsy Johnson. Jimmy Choos. Two Lips. Whatever the name brand, there is a woman out there who has spent her hard-earned DSW rewards points or fought crazy people in their neighborhood Ross/Marshalls/TJ Maxx, just to procure a pair of shoes that are sure to wow the man she bought them for ( don’t lie, you’ve bought some shoes with a guy in mind). Here are a few pair of my man-grabbing stems:


I wore these shoes once. JUST ONCE. On a date. Well, I thought it was a date. Okay, I knew it wasn’t a date, because my friend and her weird boyfriend (now an ex) were there, and I was with my “friend”, who I wanted to be more than a friend. So I was convinced that these shoes and a pair of high-priced tickets to a comedy show would seal the deal. Perfect, awesome plan, right?

Um, not exactly, because I am where male/female friendships go to die. I wore these 6-inch heels and at the beginning of the evening I was strutting around like I was on the catwalk. I felt as tall as my “date”, and thought I looked pretty hot as we sat down for drinks (thank goodness) and walked to the theater. By the end of the night, all I got a really nice hug and my feet hurt like hell.  These shoes haven’t been worn since. One of the reasons is because when I put them on, I can barely make it down the stairs. But mostly it’s because I haven’t been on any more “dates” with my “friends”.

hooker shoes

I have one more pair of shoes that have yet to be worn, although I don’t know what type of date requires 7-inch, stripper heels. I have tried to walk around my room in these-to practice looking and walking “sexy”, and failed miserably. Even though they elevate my height to an automatic 5’7″, I can declare without a doubt that I do not look sexy in these-yet. Until I strengthen my calves a bit more with some CrossFit classes, I will not be wearing these babies anytime soon, unless I plan on changing my profession.

Now I’ve just broken the surface on the topic of date shoes. The fancy shoes you see above are not the only date footwear in a woman’s closet. Oh no, no, there are several other pairs of shoes a woman is inclined to wear on a date, depending on how she feels about a guy. Men, you have no idea that a woman is giving out subtle hints at the bottom of her feet that let you know how she feels about you. The higher the heel, the better your chances. The lower it is to the ground, you might as well accept your role in the friend zone and make sure you don’t spend too much money on dinner.


For instance, take a look at these. Very pretty shoes, with a great attention detail. I’m probably going to wear these on a first date with a guy who I think is cute and want to give him my very best first impression. With jeans on, these are a perfect accent to your shapely legs that Mr. Cute will hopefully stare at and notice your awesome pedicure poking out of your peep toes. If it is a third or fourth date and you wear them with a short, snug-fitting dress, you are giving him the green light for a plethora of options…


Ahh, the heel on this pair is a little bit lower. This shoe may tell a man, “I’m not sure how I feel about you, and you might possibly stay in the friend zone, but I still want you to know I have style”. They are the color of  puke, so you are not sending out any type of full-blooded romance vibes, but if you get a make-out session at the end of the night, an otherwise mediocre night could turn out okay. Plus, I need to wear these shoes to prevent my jeans from scraping the ground.


Converse. The presence of these shoes can mean a few things. Men, if you’ve already been on a few dates, a woman may be telling you that she feels extremely comfortable with you, and so she has decided to bust out the Chucks. If she wears a sundress with them or even a pair of very snug jeans, good for you! However, if any part of her clothing is loose (not counting the sundress), you may be in big trouble, ‘my friend”. The red color of these sneakers might as well be a STOP sign, because your chances are likely going to go downhill from here. Next thing you know, she’ll be telling you that she loves having a “guy friend” she can talk to, and that she cannot wait to introduce you to her real man.

flip flops

And then there are the flip-flops. Brown flip-flops. Broken, brown flip-flops. Extremely comfortable for me, and not a good sign for you. Bordering on the lines of orthopedic, the soles are thick and a bit grungy, which indicates that I will put these on if I just need to leave the house for a minute. To get the mail. Or take out the trash. If you show up to the house and I have these on, AND we’re not staying in?  It’s a wrap. I don’t like you very much, and I may just be going out with you TO get out of the house. But I’m a nice girl and I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I’m not going to call the date off. But if I take the added measure of not touching up my pedicure and I have the balls to wear these sorry excuse for sandals, PLEASE listen. Because I’m trying to tell you something.


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