You would never know I had a breast reduction over 7 years ago…
Now that I got your attention, let me tell you about my love affair with my girls. I have loved them, hated them, loved them again, and then learned to accept them when they made it evident that they were never going to go away. I cannot recall ever meeting a woman who was completely happy with her own bra size, whether they were ample or non-existent. And as many reasons as I can name that they are detrimental to my well-being, I sit back and also think, “Hey I have a nice rack”.
They showed up when I was around 9 or 10 years old, and forced me to skip the boxed training bra starter set. I was in middle school and shopping for bras at the same “Bra Barn” as my granny, also in the same elderly, yet sexy colors of brown, beige, and white. I was accused of stuffing my bra with tissue, and the girls never believed my denials. The boys gave me attention that I did not necessarily seek out. I escalated from ABC’s to double D’s, and never looked back. In college they started getting out of hand (literally, I could not hold one in my hand), and so I decided to give myself a Christmas present in 2005, much to the chagrin of every male friend I had, and the cries of my girlfriends who wanted me to “give them the leftovers” after the surgery. I was thinking, you can have those 8 pounds (please pick your jaw off the floor, and yes that is how much Dr. Cut ‘Em Off took away).
Since that fateful day, I have been very happy with my decision for the most part, but I must still endure the trials and tribulations of having the one thing that women will pay thousands of dollars to obtain. They are indeed a gift and a curse. They are at times my best friends, and usually my entire wardrobe’s worst enemies. If you happen to be reading this and thinking that I am blowing this dilemma way out of proportion and this is a “problem” you would love to have, just take a look at the evidence below:
A GIFT: They make V-neck t-shirts look great.
A CURSE: You can develop horrible posture at a very early age, if puberty hits you like a Mack truck.
A GIFT: You can fill out a swim suit quite nicely.
A CURSE: Have you ever tried to go swimsuit shopping when your body is extremely disproportionate? Shopping for a two piece when you need an extra-large top but a medium bottom can be likened to being locked in a dark room, with a too-tight dress on that you cannot take off, listening to Taylor Swift over and over- it’s HORRIBLE.
A GIFT: They attract men.
A CURSE: They attract men.
A GIFT: If you were really forced to, you could use them as a shelf, or tray table of sorts, when eating or completing other tasks. They’re also really great for catching crumbs.
A CURSE: Even if you want to , it is never in your best interest to wear a white shirt. Because of their aforementioned crumb- catching capabilities, you are likely to end the day with some type of jelly stain, dirt mark, ink pen streak, or some other awful evidence that anything you drop from your mouth will most likely never hit the floor.
A GIFT: Ok, sorry, I cannot think of any more gifts…
CURSE: At one point in history, once you have achieved double-letter status, bras only came in brown, dark brown, and some other weird brown. These bras also made your chest resemble torpedoes and cones. Now that everyone is in the “big- bra” game, I can now find other colors, but a cost. Have you ever picked up a hot pink 38-DD bra out the Semi-Annual Clearance Sale bin at Victoria’s Secret and looked around? The stares are unforgettable.
CURSE: You will never properly wear a button down shirt again. Ever.
CURSE: Working out is also torture. Running is impossible. Wearing two sports bras is a requirement. I was once doing the Insanity workout and was forced to do jumping jacks, and subsequently smacked myself in the face. I swear they refuse to let me to get in shape.
CURSE: You will be unable to resist the temptation to rest your hands on them. It is a habit you will form without even realizing it. Ask any one of my friends from college. I was teased for this.
CURSE: Jackets that require buttoning up are not your friend. Neither are shirts with writing on them (confuses people), strapless anything, topless sunbathing ( too many stares), looking at your feet, and sometimes sleeping on your stomach comfortably.
But then again, I would never break up with Thelma and Louise. NEVER. I love them too much.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS