Looking back over the years(I know I shedded some tears, I think you better let it go, looks like another love TKO) at some of the rum induced, inappropriate, and yet comical conversations that I have had with “the homies.” I realize we menfolk are hella shallow, I know this isn’t anything groundbreaking, but we give women a lot of grief about being too picky when it comes to what they are looking for in a man; either he has to be at minimum 6’2 (when she’s 4’11 on a good day), must have good credit, have a decent job, or be able to run solo the three-legged race. I don’t know, but you would think that we would be content with a librarian. The truth is we are probably pickier than Mr. Cee at a Drag race…was that too soon? There you go telling me “no” again, moving on now.
Anyways, the only difference is that we take to whole new levels the meaning of being shallow – kind of like the Kobe system, we’ll asses points to go along with certain favorable traits such as being able to clap without using her hands, deduct points if she’s Nicole Carson-crazy, or hold steady if she can’t cook but has an ass like a centaur or like Babar.
While none of this may make sense to normal human beings, it does to us men, that’s just how we are wired. We like to think of things in sports terms so it’s easier for us to pick who’s going to start and who is going to sit in our relationship Fantasy league. So, because Breazy loves the strippers more than T-Pain, 2 Chainz and Juicy J and Wu-Tang is for the Kids, which has nothing to do witht the TGT album selling 12 copies, I present to you Breazy’s list of inappropriate things that are given points.
Points won’t be deducted if you can’t clap without using your hands, but you will be able to collect $200 and pass go if you can make it clap without using your hands.
I don’t know who was kind enough to bless the world with booty clap, but I would love to buy her a Cosmo. On second thought, I doubt the inventor drinks cosmos after witnessing what the booty clap has grown to become. Most of the women that do it drink Grey Goose, Ciroc, or anything a customer making it rain buys them. Me, I’d probably buy her a Hennessy shot. In sum, if you are able to make your booty clap, I promise you will never have to worry about the housework not getting done. Hell, he’d probably build you a new house from scratch with the hope that you would shower him with praise, admiration, and plenty of clapping.
Points won’t be deducted if you can cook, but points will be given if you can cook.
I know times are different now. It was more common 20-30 years ago to find a woman who could cook than it is now. Nowadays, you’d be lucky to find a woman who can actually cook without having to press buttons on the microwave. This begs the question, if the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then how do you expect to find a man when all you have to offer are 2 for $20 coupons? Oh this goes for men too…how can you front like you’re the grillmaster when you don’t even know how to use that shiny gas grill (who the f*ck uses a gas grill anyway) you own? Yes, I’m blowing the whistle, throwing a flag on the play, and calling unnecessary roughness, which is a 15 yard penalty. What part of the game is that?
Points won’t deducted if you don’t have an interest in sports, but you will be given points for knowing the difference between a free throw and a layup.
Although, we don’t expect you to know or even like like sports, we will be impressed when you are able to follow a game without having to ask a lot of questions. We don’t expect you to know the difference between the 3-4 and the 4-3 defense and that’s ok. Leave it to us to explain the technical terms and by the way, we like trying to sound smart. The point is, we enjoy when you make the effort to spend time with us doing something we love, but please be genuine about it. We like our women like Lil’ Kim before all the plastic surgery – real.
Points won’t be deducted if you don’t have a big butt, but you will be given points for having a big ‘ole butt.
I’m not saying a big butt will make you more attractive, but it will help you save 15% or more on car insurance. A no gag reflex and good credit will take care of that. A big butt is like bacon, it makes everything better. You can have a pretty face with a nice little rump sandwich and a no gag reflex which are all cool. But, throw in a hemi motor to sweeten the deal and wala magic, wala magic, wala magic, you have a recipe for holy ratchetmony.
I believe that’s all for now. Do you have any point gainers? And that goes for both men and women?
Talk to me, I’ll talk back.