We Be Clubbing

You might want to avoid these clubs.
You might want to avoid these clubs.
When was the last time you’ve been to a club? I know for me it’s been about 3 years and probably longer before that. I’ve been more of a lounge kind of person and sports bar goer during Football and Basketball months. So, it would appear that even if it was unintentional, I’ve sworn off clubbing.

While it’s been a couple of years since I’ve gone to a club, I always remember the types of characters I would run itno in the club. It got me to thinking about the types of people to avoid if you can while clubbing – oh and forget about finding love in the club – no Usher, it’s not likely to happen.

These 5 people will either lead to you having blue balls and going home to Jergens if you’re a man, or stalking you all night long, hopping out from behind bushes if you are a woman.

So, I present to you Breazy’s 5 people to avoid while clubbing:

5. Burgeoisie Broad

This kind of woman wears the smallest and tightest clothes to the club but has the most (ass)ets. She purposely wears the smallest dresses to the club to show off her cheeks on cheeks on cheeks, just so she can have an attitude when a dude tries to spit game and offers to take her out for a 2 for $20 meal at Applebees. She’s also the type of person that dry humps the dance floor while dancing but will catch an attitude if a dude tries to dance her, basically treating him like R. Kelly at a girl scout convention.

4. Con Artist

Ladies, this is the nice looking man that you met when you first got to the club. The two of you hit it off with good conversation and he offers to buy you a drink, which unbeknownst to you is like signing your soul over to the devil. Everything seems fine, you exchange numbers and then go back to where your girls are. Four songs later you realize he’s standing over you shoulder breathing like Big Pun. He also waits for you outside the ladies bathroom staring at you like you’re the first woman he’s seen since he was released from prison after a 20 year bid. Then it hits you, that drink wasn’t and act of chivalry, but an un-spoken agreement that you and he go together for the remainder of the night. In his mind you are the Mallory to his Miki, married with matching gold grills.

3. The Offensive Tackle

Just like in the movie the Blindside, the Offensive Tackle’s sole purpose was/is to protect the most important offensive, player, the Quarter Back. She is normally the ugliest one out of the group who shows up with the cute girl that every man wants to talk to. With a face like Forest Whitaker and a body like Aretha Franklin’s. This chick’s sole purpse in life is to make sure that no one is able to get her friend’s number or take her home and whenever her and her girls go out, everybody goes home together.

2. Metrosexual guy

He is the guy that takes most clubs dress codes to another level. In the winter he wears designer jeans, a London Fog trench coat, a wool cap and matching scarf with sunglasses – and that’s just to happy hour. In the summer seer sucker is his best friend. He is the guy that will walk around the club scoping out the ladies like a hawk eyeing his prey. He’ll be at the bar always networking with a business card ready. He Won’t go on dates with women, but would be willing to “hang out” with them. He also has the potential to be a con artist – see above.

1. Drunk Chick

She is the girl that always forgets to eat before going out, but is the first in line to take shots at the bar. Not knowing her limits doesn’t stop her from accepting a drink. Men and women equally hate this girl. Women hate her because everybody she rode with now has to spend the rest of the night babysitting her so that she doesn’t start a fight that ends up on YouTube. Men hate her because the girl we wanted to talk to, drove her there. This means she will probably be too tired for us to test her gag reflex after she drops drunk chick off. This will cause us to end our evening spending quality time with BET UNCUT, a box of tissue, and a bottle of lotion.

That’s all of the colorful characters that I can think of. Did I miss any? If so, let me know the types of people you have encountered at the club.

Talk to me, I’ll talk back.

13 thoughts on “We Be Clubbing

  1. Notice that when you take all of these equations out of the building, what…you end up with like 5 people left in the club?…but then again you end up with quite a nice lounge area for folks to chill at…LoL..

  2. Great post. So true. There is also the OG. The guy in his 50s who is still trying to chase the young girls. Or the Cougar, still chancing after young guys after he reign as Queen of the club has been over years ago.

    1. How could I have forgotten the OG? The dude with gry cornrows, coogi sweater and gators. Oh The cougar wearing the kind of dresses she wore 20 years ago trying to show off her stuff is classic. Can’t forget “Stunt Man”, the dude with Air Force 1’s, Free Big Meech T-shirt, popping bottles in the V.I.P. Not knowing the only reason why he’s in V.I.P is because he use to be a cook at the club and got tight with security. Thanks for your comment.

      1. oh lord those characters are funny! the OG kills me… his outfits are always head to toe one color WITH matching gators and sometimes a fedora or cane…

        *prays to sweet baby jesus*

        please don’t let me be old cougar -holding on to something that left already- in the club

      2. I’ve seen fully grown mountain lions, damn cougars. Trying to drop it like it’s hot using walkers. As long as you don’t get to that point, I think you’ll be good.

      3. Oh I’be also seen OG’s wearing tangerines from head to toe with matching tangerine and cream gators. Looking like Lester Wallace from Barbershop.

  3. This post is a classic in the making and should be taken worldwide so millions can see this and understand. LOL!

    Oh, and I am dead serious. This post is crucial to life right now if you are in college or club hop a lot.

    1. Thank you, I appreciate it. I was thinking about all the types of people I’ve seen throughout the years of clubbing, and thought it would be a good article.

  4. I’m young, and never been to a club. I’m not a club scene kind of girl. I like lounges, and karaoke bars, and poetry spots. Clubs…scare me. There was a teen club once in some podunk town I was living in and invited to when I was 16 or so; they made you take off your belt and patted you down for weapons. I immediately turned and walked back into the parking lot and got into my car. Nope nope nope.

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