So I was watching Antwoine Fisher, which happens to be my favorite movie of all time. This is ironic within itself, because even though it is my favorite movie of all time, it scares me. It scares me to the point that I can only watch it every three or so years and it makes me cry every time. The reason why it scares me is because it hits too close to home, like “kicks open the door, waving the 44, all you heard was Papa don’t hit me no more”, close.
You see, I am adopted, and while I didn’t have the rough upbringing and abandonment issues that Antwoine had, I know how it is to meet a mother who in one way or another turned her back on you. My mother didn’t turn her back on me after meeting me, but it took my grandmother scolding her and me being in town 3 days of a 5 day trip for her to meet me.
I did however talk to her on the phone before meeting. During the phone conversation, she flat-out told me that she didn’t want to meet me, which I respected. I don’t want to be a burden to someone who doesn’t want to be burdened.
How we ended up meeting was less glamorous than how it is in the movies, unless that movie is Antwoine Fisher. My mother that raised me (who I refer to as my mother, not adopted) made a picture collage of me growing up so that I could give to my mother if we met (she wasn’t even supposed to be in town when I planned my visit home). Instead, I gave it to my grandmother who was beyond happy to get it, and she in turn gave it to my mother. So one day after dropping my biological brother off somewhere, I went to my grandmother’s assisted living home to see her and as I walked in to the lobby a woman held the door open for me. We both got on the elevator and as we are going up, she turns to me and says “you look just like you do in the pictures, I’m your mother” and then gave me a half ass hug. Now as you can imagine, my face is all and my mind is cluttered to say the least. How do I respond? I started to feel some kind of way because I know the only reason she came to see me was because my grandmother scolded her. Well she is here now, so might as well make the most of it.
During the next two days we hung out (I wouldn’t call it bonding), and I realized that we had nothing in common except that we are both from Denver, and if I never saw her again I probably wouldn’t care because she is a liar. She gave me different reasons why I was the only one of her 3 children (the middle one) that she put up for adoption. I tried to tell her the lies weren’t needed, that I never resented her, nor was I angry. My parents always made sure that I had the love and affection that I needed, so I never once questioned “why me”?
So after all that, I also realized, you can’t choose your family. I am grateful for my mother making a selfless decision even if it was done selfishly. Because of her, I was able to receive all the attention, love, affection, and guidance that would probably make some biological children jealous. And I am also proof positive that you can have/receive unconditional love for anybody, whether they are related to you by blood, play cousin, step, half or biological. Oh by the way, I did cry while watching Antwoine Fisher.
Any thoughts or suggestions or maybe even your own story to tell?
Talk to me, I’ll talk back