Aint My Type Of Hype.

You know, if it wasn't for her spine sticking out from the back she would be my type.
You know, if it wasn’t for her spine sticking out from the front she would be my type.
Whether or not we want to admit it, we are all shallow – as much as we don’t want to admit we are, we all have our standards of what we deem dateable, attractive and of course f*ckable (which for some maybe anything goes). I don’t care who you are, what you do, or the fact that you are an AKA (which is like saying you’re the smartest Kardishian) we all have types, whether they’re based on height, weight, the fact that they can suck a golf ball through a hose, or have all of their teeth. Some of us may have an easier time teaching Waka Flocka trigonometry than relaxing our standards.

But no matter what, we all have standards and for those of us that dare drop our guard faster than Bad Boy (circa 96-00) artists, sometimes we come across a person who may not stack up to our standards, but for whatever reason we wouldn’t mind flipping the mattress with them as long as no one found out.

Celebrities are no exception. With Hollywood trying to shove its idea of beauty down our throats – when in reality a lot of actors and actresses aren’t all that. Here are famous people who, despite the fact that may not fit my type, I wouldn’t mind crushing pink cookies in a plastic bag with them.

So peep my list while you relax and take notes while I take tokes of the marijuana smoke and shit.


Lucy Liu – At 4’11, Lucy Liu is the same height as Frodo Baggins and my pants are taller than her. But her lack of height could come in handy while doing bedroom acrobatics. But I digress, despite being the last person to get hit by rain drops, she could still love me long time.


Penelope Cruz – Penelope is smaller than a swizzle stick, you can’t understand shit she says because of her accent and you can see her spine from the front; making blowing her back out, while actually blowing her back out, not as sexy as it sounds.


Lauren London – This has more to do with her mental status than any physical liabilities that she might have. Any time you procreate with Lil Wayne willingly, you are automatically dropped from dime status to a buffalo nickel and you need a psychiatric evaluation done.


Angelina Jolie – This is another one whose elevator doesn’t always go to the top. Angelina’s only turn off for me is that she is a crazy ass bitch. A, any time you walk around with a vial of someone else’s blood around your neck something is wrong On the flip side just think you can brag about putting on her so good that she is carrying your blood, just make sure not to piss her she could frame you by sprinkling your blood at a crime scene.


Niki Minaj – Between the annoying ass voices that she makes, and the fact she doesn’t know what personality she wants to be from song to song, Niki has the best parts money can buy this side of Coco. Just press the mute button while you get her to do her verse from Monster while naked.

That’s it, these are the celebrities that due to various reasons don’t quite fit my celebrity type but I would still Hulk Smash, who are yours?

Talk to me, I’ll talk back.

Captain Breazy Sparrow.

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