Chopdate

aunatural

( This is my “how much conditioner did I just use?” look)

I’ve been completely natural for almost a year now, and boy, have the tables turned.

I’m pretty sure I wrote about not coming down hard on women who still perm their hair in the last year, but I’m getting up there in bottles of wine consumed on a weekly basis, so I cannot recall. Even though I stopped putting the creamy crack in my hair three years ago, I still think it’s totally acceptable to perm your hair, if that’s what you want to do. I would never knock anyone who does, and I certainly don’t think there should be a #teamnatural vs. #teamcreamycrack battle on the horizon ( although I did want to be Tisha Campbell in School Daze sooooo bad). I was a ride-or-die perm girl all my life, until my friend refused to put them in my hair anymore. She said “you got dat good hair” ( I guess mine has good manners?), and said I really didn’t need any no-lye relaxers. And because she could straighten my hair like a Dominicana, I played along. Two years later, I decided to do the “Big Chop”, blogged about it, got rid of all my permed hair, and my world has truly changed.

I didn’t think I would ever embrace my natural hair this much, but it is a bit of a crazy, love affair that I’m experiencing. I love my natural curls, but still feel compelled to straighten it once in a while. I get many compliments on my goldilocks, and often get inquiries from people asking if they can touch my hair, which is always fun. My best friend actually gets mad at me when I straighten my hair, and wants me to wear it curly all the time. I would, if there was somehow a magical bubble that surrounded me every time I slept so my locks would stay in tact. And although it takes over three hours to straighten my hair, given the T-Rex length of my arms, I still love that style as well. As a chick who could have never imagined a life without a 24-hour Aaliyah perm, I am loving my coils more and more everyday. Below are a few things that I have come to observed now that I am completely au natural:

  • Going out in the rain is no longer an issue. Water is my friend, and actually assists with the dry frizzies that tend to pop up when I’m rocking my fro.
  • I can literally wake up in the morning, shake out my curls and go. Mind you, this can only last a few days, as if I let it go any longer, it takes about 5 days to untangle my hair.
  • I get to mess with people’s minds. I can go from curly afro, to slick straight tresses, in a matter of 24 hours. When this happens, I’ll often get asked if I cut my hair, or if I have a weave. Then I change it back, and they’re like “WTF?”
  • I receive more inquiries into my ethnic background. “Where’d you get that curly hair, yo mama white?” Someone actually asked me that. I mean, I am, but that’s beside the point. Fix your grammar, please.
  • I definitely get more requests to touch my hair, as I mentioned before. Attention others: Even though I now rock an insane bed of curls on a daily basis, you must still adhere to the rule of “Don’t touch a black woman’s hair”. Case in point: I had a massage the other day, and I indicated that there was no need for a scalp massage. She went into my wet locks anyway, and tore up my look so bad, I was James Brown’s mug shot reincarnated, and that was not the first time. Looking like James Brown, I mean…
  • I’ve become so much more aware of other women who are rocking their natural hair texture. It’s pretty cool to see that we can not only enjoy permed hair, but also being proud to rock the natural look. Those women with the “natural” weaves confuse the hell out me, though.
  • Although it does appear easier to maintain, rocking the natural look is work. Yes, I can throw some water on it some days and go, and I’ll be just fine. But I often wake up from a nap with a serious Frederick Douglas dent in my hair, and I then have to contemplate how long it will take me to turn into a Sade bun ( it can be rather frightening on occasion).

 

 

Thirst Killed Chivalry

I am on a nice guy with manners kick this week. On my highly successful blog, Hot Mess Life, I wrote about letting all the Mr. Nice Guys out there know that women still wanted them. But on the flip side, some women have taken this man and thrown him off the train tracks, and calling him “thirsty”. I don’t know when the term describing your need to drink fluids became a synonym for yearning for someone’s attention, but this shouldn’t be the case when describing a gentleman. Now, if you encounter a suitor who won’t take no for an answer, calls you 10 times a day, and begs for a date, I suppose that person could have a thirst that needs to be quenched. However, I think that type of behavior borderlines on a stalking/obsession scenario.

So , what happened to honoring the ways of a gentleman? I think that we have already confirmed that for many people out there, chivalry is in fact, six feet under. The act of being especially courteous to women is a lost art form to many, making today’s man a rare find, which should be cherished. Unfortunately, “bad boys” have taken over society. They’re singing you dirty songs, they’re not calling you back, they’re texting you “sup” at 3:45 am, they’re asking you to “just be friends”, and they’re never inviting you over to their house. Not all women are a victim to these culprits, but many are. We all know of a woman ( or have been that woman) who are habitually involved with men cheat on them, disrespect them, don’t express their feelings, and generally DGAF about the woman’s well-being. But the moment a man with manners and grace approach you and say “Hello, dear, I would like to ask you out for a meal you don’t even have to pay for”, homeboy is called thirsty. Our priorities in the dating world are all screwed up!

If you don’t want to deal with jerks anymore, and have been guilty of mistreating the good guy, you are lucky I am here to help you. If you are clueless as to what a gentleman looks like, I’m going to show you. I’ll even entertain this term “thirsty” to emphasize my examples because I care about you all so much. Because a man isn’t being thirsty when he immediately calls you after a great first date to set up a second, he’s being a man, you idiot ( I mean that with love, I swear):

A GENTLEMAN sees you walking down the street, and passes along a simple “hello, how are you” accompanied with a smile

A THIRSTY MAN whistles, calls you different colors, describes the color of a piece of clothing ( “hey blue skirt”) as you walk down the street just to get your attention, and then curses you when you don’t respond

A GENTLEMAN calls you after a first date, tells you he had a great time and asks when can he take you out again

A THIRSTY MAN calls you after a first date, tells you he had a great time, asks you out again, and also leaves you 3 voice mails and 10 text messages, awaiting an answer

A GENTLEMAN sends you sweet, little texts in the morning and when you go to sleep- he cares about you, woman, and that’s a good thing

A THIRSTY MAN texts you good morning, and again after you don’t respond within 3 minutes, and then 14 more times, wondering why you don’t text him back

A GENTLEMAN gladly introduces you to his friends and family as his “girlfriend” after the appropriate amount of time has passed, and it is a mutual agreed upon sentiment- he’s proud of you

A THIRSTY MAN calls you his woman after one date…and it was at Starbucks

A GENTLEMAN wants to spend time with you on a regular basis, and schedules frequent “date nights”, because well, YOU’RE DATING

A THIRSTY MAN wants to spend every waking moment with you, and cries when you want to hang with other people

A GENTLEMAN knows the right time to approach intimacy with a woman, given various verbal, physical and emotional cues

A THIRSTY MAN is ready to pop off as soon as you allow him to hug you, and may actually beg for you to do the dirty deed

So ladies, don’t dismiss a man because he’s eager to go out with you and actually returns your calls. This is what we want and deserve, so don’t get caught up in a mindset that has caused us to question the chivalry real men exude and compare it to being hard up for a woman. If you keep overlooking these men with actual manners, you’ll end up with the guy who send you 57 text messages in one day, all wondering “where you at?”

Computer Love

Yeah, that just happened.  When I saw this Farmer’s Only commercial for the first time, I couldn’t fathom what I just saw.  A lady of the corn looking for her Mr. Right?  I couldn’t help but chuckle because . . . . hell it’s funny!  I was trying to rationalize the need for yet another single dating website.  I understand that everyone needs love but aren’t there enough sites to hook up on?  I mean you have Zoosk.com, ChristianMingle.com, BlackPeopleMeet.com, Match.com, eHarmony.com, Chemistry.com, and PlentyOfFish.com.  And for those that are married wanting to have honest yet discreet affairs, there is Ashley Madison.com.  And the list of sites goes on . . . and on.  But the question is with all of these available internet cafes for people to meet and chat, why aren’t there more marriages and less divorces?  Could it be that we have too much of a choice?

 

I know, I know.  You’re already thinking to yourself that there are never enough choices.  It’s nice to have a choice especially for those of us who were never given a choice of anything growing up.  But indulge me for a few moments if you will.

 

Now when you go to an upscale restaurant, there is a limited choice on what items you can select.  You are seated knowing that you will have to wait for that meal but you don’t mind.  Once you receive the meal, it’s a mouth-watering medley of sauces, seasonings, and textures giving your mouth the most sublime orgasm. Now compare this experience to eating at your local buffet.  Big difference.  First and foremost, the choices are endless! You find yourself trying to decide between the grilled steaks and the personal pan pizza being made to order.  Food is there as soon as you walk in the door.  You find yourself trying to sample everything that is there and find yourself unbuttoning your pants because you have eaten more than your stomach can hold.  And somehow, you are telling yourself that you still have room for some ice cream . . . . . . .

 

So is online dating similar to a buffet?  Yes it is.  A friend of mine compared online dating to a candy store.  She said that “when you present people with a candy store, they want to taste everything and they find it impossible to commit to just one item as their favorite.  But if you slip a man a brown bag with a singular delicious cookie, he’ll want to keep taking additional bites.  He won’t even bother to look for other sweets.  The problem with the candy store mentality is that the man is never satisfied because they are ever curious to try the next thing.  He becomes so numb after the initial dopamine release, he must try a new product, over and over.” I tend to agree.

 

Businesses bank on this candy store mentality and we all have fell for it.  It seems that Samsung is coming out with a new Galaxy phone every other month promising a bigger screen, better graphics, yada yada yada.  And what do we do?  We stand outside Best Buy on Thanksgiving so that we can be one of the first with the new product.  Apple Inc. peers across the street and does the exact same thing.  We stand in line looking at our phones and convince ourselves that they are obsolete.  The truth is that there is nothing wrong with the phone.  The screen is still intact.  The call and text options are still operating as they did when we first purchased the phone.  We can still play our favorite games but we need the next best thing (that’s Sprint’s slogan by the way . . . ).  And this is how singles have conducted themselves in the dating world.  We avoid commitment because we want the ability to move on if something better comes along.

 

Instant gratification then becomes a nemesis to commitment. Because of this, we don’t have the patience to deal with others.  We want love but we want it right now.  Forget trying to get to know someone.

 

  • Hell, didn’t you read my profile? That’s all you need to know . . . .
  • You should love me and marry me because I’m a Black woman  . . . . .
  • You should have sex with me because of how I look.  You see these pecs?
  • What’s wrong with letting me get at it the first night? Haven’t you heard how I beat the pussy up?  You won’t want anyone else . . . . .
  • I don’t need to build up trust with you.  Hell, you should already know how to trust me.  I wrote it in my bio . . . . . . .

 

Did I mention that dating sucks?  Yes . . . . it really does.


So as I decide whether or not to delete my online profile, can anyone give me any benefits to online dating?  Does it really work?  Is there a way I can keep my options to a singular bag rather than sampling all the candy?

Follow me on Twitter @misterdock where the discussion continues . . . . . .

Holy Matrimony

“Love U 4 Life” is one of my all-time favorite love songs.  While the song does not boast the lyrical complexity of Maxwell or the proper diction of John Legend, this ballad brings me to a place that can only be described as “home”.  The blend of K-Ci’s gritty baritone against Jo-Jo’s ultra sweet tenor conveying the emotions of a simple man who is committing his life to his woman stirs my soul.  The delivery of the ballad is everything!  I don’t know if the Hailey brothers were in love at the time when they stepped into the booth to record but I believe every word that comes through my headphones. The song makes me believe in love .  It makes me believe in the promise of having someone there through the bad times as well as the good.  Yes, times will get rough.  There will be times where my faith may not be where it should be. There may be times where my lady and I have to eat Ramen Noodles instead of Red Lobster.  However, we will get through those times and experience the sunshine.

 

In the world today, there are few songs that talk about enduring those troubled times of a relationship.  This past weekend, I went through my music library in hopes of finding songs that talked about overcoming hardships.  Unfortunately, there weren’t too many songs in my collection that talked about the subject matter that weren’t gospel.  As I was looking, I came across Babyface’s “Tender Lover” CD.  As I started reminiscing about the songs I sang from this project, my face began to frown as my eyes ran across the song that is responsible for the continental divide between men and women today.  Yep, you guessed it.  “Soon As I Get Home From Work”.  I detested that song back in high school and I detest it now.  Now don’t get me wrong, Babyface is a talented songwriter and singer.  However, this song set the foundation for unrealistic expectations for men.  “I’ll buy your clothes, I’ll cook your dinner too, soon as I get home from work” is the line that most girls would sing in a glorious unison while the guys did their best to ignore.  Babyface goes on to say that he would also pay the woman’s rent.  Pay her rent? Really?  After being forced to listen to the song, I was always left wondering what is the woman doing?  Is the kitty that good?  I’m sorry Babyface, I just can’t.  I still can’t.

 

Fast forward to last Friday.  I found myself at a local church for a “candid” conversation between the married couples and the single folks.  Now when I arrived, I didn’t think much about the event.  Honestly, I came to start trouble because I don’t believe church folks can be honest when it comes to dating and relationships.  And I understand . . . . honestly I do.  Church folk don’t want everyone in their business, especially in a small town.  At this juncture, even if the married parishioners were truthful about their beliefs regarding dating and building fruitful relationships, most would not receive it because the single folks (and by folks I mean females) have been conditioned to think in fairy tales.  As much as I appreciate what Tyler Perry has done for the Black community, he has created this storybook fantasy that have most Black church going females believing in that “perfect” man that will swoop them up and take care of all of their issues.  You’ve seen the plays where there is the attractive, half-naked man who saves the older, more womanly R&B singer from the abusive life with her ex-boyfriend/husband. Now, I’m not hating . . . . just simply stating facts.

 

Now I must say, I was surprised that the singles were able to ask some questions.  My initial thought was that all I would hear would be scriptures. But it wasn’t like that.  Even though there were a handful of married couples in attendance, I appreciate the knowledge that they were willing to share with the single folks. They reaffirmed my faith in love.  And just as I was getting ready to leave, I engaged in a small conversation with one of the deacons.  “People are not getting married anymore”, he said.  I shook my head in agreement.  We discussed the decline of the Church and it being linked to the decline of the family.  He stated that the decline of family in the church went back to people no longer being committed to God.  People look at marriage and church as commitment and have turned away from it.  I didn’t agree with people no longer being committed to God.  In my stance, I discussed the issue in which the younger women of the church now have unrealistic expectations.  You have females who believe in the scripture according to Babyface and Tyler Perry.  They believe that the man is supposed to be strong yet say nothing.  Pay all the bills, cook the food, and buy her clothes while she does nothing.  Then you have some females that believe that they should have dominance over a man because she makes more than he does.  I conveyed that the females that I have dated this year honestly scare me because there is no sense of working in harmony.  The deacon shook his head again and simply said “Glad I’m married”.


This leads me to my question for today.  What do you believe are the unrealistic expectations that keep men and women from coming together in matrimony? How can the church help with overcoming these unrealistic expectations?

Follow me on Twitter at @misterdock 

Dating Daddy

Dis tew much…

As you mature, the variables in your dating world ( if you’re still swinging on the single circuit) are sure to change. What you wanted when you were 16 changes once you hit 25, and drastically transitions after Dirty 30. Whether it be physical attributes or personality traits, what you want in a significant other must evolve. For instance, when I was 16, I wanted my guy to have the following:

  1. Have a car, so he could pick me up from boarding school
  2. Look like Ginuwine
  3. Could dance or sing
  4. Had an earring

When I reached my mid-twenties, my wants and needs were a bit different:

  1. Have a car
  2. Have a job
  3. Went to college
  4. NO KIDS

Now that we’re talking about babies, I want to be clear that I didn’t want to date anyone with kids when I was 16. Granted, I knew a handful of young juveniles who were 16&Pregnant before MTV glamorized it, but it wasn’t a criteria that was on my radar. However, once in my 20s, I was introduced to the concept of the “baby mama”, as 95% of the people I knew with kids were not involved in holy matrimony. So I thought I still had some time to find a guy with a clean slate like myself, so maybe we could have our own cute ass children. Now that I’m in my 30s and still without man or child, my list is a BIT different, to go along with the times:

  1. Car and job are still essential
  2. Solid retirement plan
  3. Funny
  4. Kids are totally cool, but…

The “BUT” is what this post is all about. Look, I’m 30-whatever, and I am certainly not blind to the fact that my dating pool is now filled with men who have children and have been married. For me to dismiss an entire segment of the population would be crazy, as there are plenty of good men out there who have families. For many women (and men) that choose not to date people who have children, that’s fine- it’s a personal choice. I believe in giving everyone a chance. Ok, I don’t believe in giving EVERYONE a chance because that sounds a bit loose of me, well, you know what I mean…

Now that I think about it, dating a man with children really hasn’t worked out for me. My last three relationships were all with men who had children, and obviously none of those ended with me being the coolest step-MILF that ever walked the Earth. But those relationships didn’t work not because they had kids, it’s because they were assholes. Ok, one of those relationships met its demise because of kids, mainly a kid that I never knew existed.

Let me be clear, I have no problem “dating daddy”. Well, I would if he asked me to call him daddy, because I think calling your significant your father ( even in a casual way) is awful. The only men I’m addressing with any derivative of “Father” is Jesus and Biggie Smalls. But if you have children, that’s alright with me. There’s something about seeing a man with his children that is absolutely beautiful. With that being said, there are some stipulations to me becoming daddy’s “lady friend”. If I am going to love you and your posse, I need to lay down some ground rules:

  • I will not date anyone who refers to their ex as their “baby mama”. Anyone who has one of those, I don’t want you. Now if you have an ex-wife, or “mother of my children”, that’s acceptable.

 

  • If you don’t tell me that you have children and I have to find out on my own, that’s a problem. “You didn’t ask”, is a not a valid response. Also, if it takes you longer than a second to respond after I ask what your child’s name is, that’s not good either.

 

  • If you ever use the term “babysit” when referring to the duration of time that your children are under your care, I just can’t.

 

  • If your kids are not a priority in your life, we will not make it. If you only shop at Bal Harbour, have more Jordans and Ferragamos then I do hair products, yet you complain about a $600 child support payment, I’m out. You need to have priorities, people.

 

  • If you’ve ever been on Maury, I am not going to date you. Or you’re involved in a Maury-like scenario, don’t even ask me out. If you’re not 1000% sure that 5-year-old Danquavius is your child, I just can’t. Not even. Literally.

Fighting Rejection

fighting rejection 2 fighting rejection

About two months ago, me and my ace went out to a mixed martial arts event in Gwinnett County.  Now upon his first mention of the event,  I really had no intentions of going.  I was trying to get over my own steel cage match that I was still pulling myself off the mat from.  However, a part of me wanted to get back out.  There was no playoff football game or all day track meet that I could use as an excuse.  It was on a Saturday night and I didn’t have any plans.  I needed to get out again.  I’ve always been curious about mixed martial arts but I didn’t know too much about it.  To me, mixed martial arts fighting was nothing more than low budget wrestling.   It was a caged match without all the fanfare that the World Wrestling Entertainment brought.  There was no Ric Flair coming to the ring in the diamond studded robes with girls dripping from his arm.  There was no Hulk Hogan tearing his “Hulkamania” shirt with his “twenty-four inch pythons”.  There was no Rock to tell you to smell what he was cooking!  There would just be men and women headed to an unforgiving octagon who were invested in winning.

As I entered the arena, I saw so many people who were cheering for the combatants. There were gym owners, trainers, family members, and fight fans who were there for a good time. Alcohol every five feet made the night all the more eventful.  That night, I learned all the different rules and regulations as it related to the fights.  Now the highlight of the night was this one particular fight between two female competitors.  What took place in the first round could only be described as a massacre.  One lady had her beautiful face rearranged due to the blows she took. Now what surprised most of the onlookers was not the fact that she was slowly being dismantled.  Nah.  What surprised the crowd was that this lady fell down twice and got back up to endure more pain.  Common sense would have told anyone else to stay their ass on the mat.  But not her.  She was too much of a competitor.  Although her face and blonde hair were covered in blood, she stood up and endured the three rounds.

 

As I stood there and cheered at the end of the match with the rest of the crowd, it occurred to me that dating is no different than a mixed martial fight.  It’s not for the faint of heart (I can’t tell you how many ladies who were in attendance turned their heads as their boyfriends and husbands cheered on). Dating can be both exciting and gruesome in the same breath.  Meeting the one that was created to balance your world can be the greatest victory and being rejected by someone who could have been your forever can be the most gruesome defeat.  If you don’t know how to take a punch to the face or counter an arm bar,  you may not be cut out for the dating game.  Anyone can like dating as long as they are establishing the parameters of the game.  It’s only until you get slammed to the mat, unable to move due to the weight of the rejection, that you grow into a better competitor.  It’s the fear of rejection that makes you fight harder.

 

Now for me, I don’t care to be rejected.  Scratch that.  I detest rejection.  I spent most of my grade school years being rejected.  I would always hear that “You’re so nice” or “You’re so sweet” bullshit.  I knew what time it was.  I wasn’t the most attractive guy and my family wasn’t well off.  Hell, my parents were struggling just to keep the lights on!  I couldn’t compete with the drug dealers who wore new Jordans every week to school.  I couldn’t compete with the guys who were able to get their haircut with the fancy designs in the back every week. I had to wait for that once a month cut (yeah try that shit with a boxed fade).  The world of dating is filled with rejection.  People are going to slam your feelings against the steel cage and put you on the mat.  You have to realize that you are not meant for everyone.  Just because you both have similar qualities doesn’t mean that you both will work well as a team. I’ve gotten to a point in my life that I understand this fact and I can keep it moving. I’m a big guy who has tremendous drive that dictates my being.  I know that there are females that can handle a guy like me.  I also know that there are females that are afraid of man of my stature.  There are also females that just don’t like me.  And that’s fine with me . . . . now.   After all, it’s THEIR lost right? Right . . . . . .

 

Now what I do not understand is the new way people reject others. You know, not returning texts or calls after several days of conversing.  Literally saying nothing. That sudden drop off that leaves the other person in the land of “What the Hell?”  You don’t know whether to take immediate offense and curse that person out or send texts stating that you hope everything is okay.  Yeah, I used to be that simp that would send texts to check on the other.  I would start sending texts asking what I did wrong because after all, I wanted to “fix” whatever the problem was.  I cared enough to want the matter resolved.  After a while, I stopped acting like Robin Thicke and just learned to keep it moving.  Then I became THAT person that would not respond to texts for one reason or the other. . . . . . .


Let’s be honest for a minute.  There really isn’t a polite way to stop seeing anyone.  I hear so many people who state that they want you to keep it “100” with them but if the truth were told, they wouldn’t want to hear it because they would be crushed.  (Just so you know, omitting the truth is not keeping it “100”) I don’t know of any person that wants to be told that they are not attractive enough for the other or their sex game was not even close to what they bragged about over the phone or online.  Yeah, I’ve been there.  Yeah, I’ve done that.  And today, I want to atone for my wrongs.  I don’t want to be that guy that doesn’t respond anymore.  Yes, we don’t want to be lied to but yet the truth hurts so much.  Tell me, is there any way to tell a person that you are no longer interested in them without crushing their self-esteem?  

Letting It Go . . . . . . .

Over a year ago, I stepped away from a relationship that took years to cultivate.  I remember that horrible night because I made the toughest decision in my life to date.  I consciously made the choice to step away from a woman who I loved deeply.  To this date, I have never pursued a woman as hard as I did with this young lady.   I spent two years chasing her, trying to get her to notice me, being her confidant, etc., etc.  When we finally made the choice to be together, I felt that I had reached the top of Love’s Mountain.  In her, I saw myself erasing all the mistakes I made with my ex-wife.  I saw myself in fast forward with her.  She helped me to develop and obtain all that I have now.  I never had a woman to stand behind me like she did.  She went to the end of the world and back for me.  She slowly became my Earth.  And then . . . . . . the rain came.  As I began to evolve, she grew to hate me as I did not want to be “ordinary”.  Although she said she stood in my corner, she was silently desiring my demise.  As my dreams began to take flight, she slowly began to distance herself.  She began to despise my drive and fought against me taking part of anything that did not involve her.  She would make comments about other men wanting her.  She had other male friends getting next to her and she believed in them more than me.  So as all this was revealed, I made a choice to leave.  I refused to walk into a marriage in this shape.  The sad thing in all of this was taking the ring I purchased back to the diamond store . . . . . .

 

After I walked out the door and got into my truck, I told myself that I wasn’t going to date again.  The anger of several years lost filled my eyes as I drove off.  Like any man, I had some temporary affairs as I tried to get over the pain.  Nothing is worse than stepping away from something that gives you happiness.  I had to keep reminding myself that this was best for both of us because she wanted a man that I couldn’t become.  To be the man that she wanted, I had to go in reverse and lock my dreams away for good.  I promised myself that I would never do that again because greater was on my agenda and I refused to let it go.  But like most of us, we go back to the familiar normally compromising ourselves for that feeling.  And when I went back, I was no longer a man.  I was less.  I ended up being manipulated and shattered like broken glass.  As I picked myself up off the floor, I took the key and locked my heart away.

 

As much as I didn’t want to share this, I felt the need to get this off my chest.  Not for any feed back.  Not for any comments.  Not for anyone trying to provide therapy for me.  I knew I needed to speak on this because I attempted to write on several other topics but I wasn’t at peace with it.  I couldn’t get behind it.  It’s very rare that I sit in front of my laptop and not have some topic that I want to further dialogue.  It’s rare that I don’t have my thoughts together.  You see, I plan things out in advance so that I can have some type of balance in my life.  As I tread through the week attempting to be the best father to my son and daughter, I want to make things simple as possible for me so that I’m not stressed out as much.  Bills are going to come.  Unexpected events are going to happen.  I believe in controlling what I can control.  However this week has been a little different.  I couldn’t control this.


I haven’t been able to focus lately because I needed to let this go before I move on.  My heart has been in prison for some months now and it’s been hard for me to get close to anyone who wasn’t already in my inner circle.  I’m ready to date again because I want that balance in my life again.  I want to have that person that I can watch television with and laugh at the craziest things.  I want to be able to be the music geek that I am, singing show tunes without prejudice.  I want to talk about my fears openly.  I want to be me. . . . free . . . . . .