The Crazy Familiar

“This time you can trust me . . . .”

 

Whenever I watch this scene, I always wonder why in the hell does Charlie Brown (who we shall call Brother Charles) keep falling for this game that Lucy plays?  She continues to manipulate Charles fragile emotions, always promoting that she will hold that brown pigskin for Charles to kick it.  For some reason unbeknownst to the viewing public, Charles has this undying desire to kick this football.  Now you think he would have learned his lesson the first time Lucy’s sadistic ass pulled the football away from him but no!  Charles remedial behind falls for Lucy’s lines every, single, time!  Every time he is on the verge of realizing his dream, he finds himself flat on his back listening to another excuse Lucy is giving him.  Any other sensible child would have stayed away from Lucy and her devilish ways after the first time.  Any other child would have gotten their own football and had someone else to hold it.  However, Brother Charles is like a lot of us.  Yep, us.  He’s become accustomed to the familiarity of failing.  As strange as it sounds, Charles never expects to succeed.  Why is that?

 

We all have made decisions that we regret later in life.  Whether it was those expensive red bottoms that you couldn’t afford or that car that you just had to have but couldn’t afford to pay the insurance, we all have regrets.  And most times, we learn from our mistakes and we are afforded “do overs”.  However when it comes to dating, why is it that we continue to date the familiar?  As much as we say we want someone new, I continue to witness a number of acquaintances, family, and friends continue their same dating habits because it’s familiar. I continue to hear the same whiny songs.  “I Can’t Find Any Good Men”, “These Hoes Ain’t Loyal”, and “All Men are Assholes” are just a couple of the songs that are in constant media rotation.  And some of the songs ring true.  However, we continue to date assholes.  Yeah, that guy that just seems to come around right before tax season EVERY year and helps you to spend your return?  And yes fellas, we continue to date these uncouth hoes.  But why?

 

Dating the familiar is a subject matter I know all too well.  Let me be a little transparent for minute.  I too, am remedial when it comes to changing the women I date.  I attract and I am drawn to crazy and married women.  (Lord help me . . . .  ) For the life of me, I wish there was an in-between but there isn’t.  For most of my adult life, crazy and married women gravitate to me.  The reason? Well in another life, I help individuals with mental illness and developmental disabilities.  I have a way of listening to people and trying to understand their unique way of thinking in order to come up with plans to help them have a productive life.  And from what I’ve been told, I do a decent job at it.  So yes, I tend to hear stories from psychopaths who believe they are misunderstood to those who don’t believe that living tomorrow would be beneficial.  And no matter who it is, I help them to function better.  I have to admit, it is a little exciting bringing order to one’s chaos.  So when it comes to relationships, I tend to continue to be the therapist instead of an equal partner investing in a life long commitment.  I welcome females who are damaged and attempt to put them back together. And instead of listening across from a desk to their problems and referring them to a psychiatrist for antidepressants and other mood stabilizers, I often end up prescribing late night sessions in my bed.  I find myself wondering half of the time why this woman won’t leave her husband and commit to me.  Other times I’m wondering why am I having to carry my gun at all times because I broke it off with “Crazy Daisy”?  It’s no wonder that I’m left empty after each encounter . . . . . .

 

Am I the only one addicted to chaos?  The media is capitalizing on our need for it daily.  As a result, we think we need to be in relationships in which we are constantly being cheated on and mistreated.  As citizens of the Matrix, we tend to shoot down what’s sensible in our pursuit to continue our sadistic lives.  I know I have.  The question now is, how do we solve it?

  • Yes, dating still sucks . . . . but it’s getting better . . . . . . . . .

5 Dates Clearly Worse Than Yours

I have this hilarious book called “50 Dates Worse Than Yours”, and I’m pretty sure if they wanted to do a follow-up book, they could just asked me what happened between 1997-2014 and I would be able to contribute to Part 2. I’ve always wondered how is it that I’ve been dating longer than the majority of my friends, but have dated less than the majority of my friends? Let that sink in for a minute…

I suck at dating. Maybe I’m too awesome or something, but I truly feel that I am cursed. This has to be the reason that I’ve the “luck” I’ve had over the years when it comes to that ritual of courtship we all must go through. From the time I went on my first date with the guy who blew the whistle at my local skating rink, to that one time a guy passed out and peed on my chaise lounge, I’ve definitely had some interesting excursions with the opposite sex. You should definitely read the book ( I’m sure can get a used copy for 50 cents or something on Amazon), but if you want to hear a more personal account of awful love connections, I have a few to share:

  1. F THE POLICE:  I told this guy that I always wanted to go paintballing ( Is that a word? If it’s not, it is now), and he suggested that we do it on our first date. How cute! Here was a guy who listened to me, and made a plan that didn’t involve splitting a #4 at McDonald’s. I knew that we were meeting up with his crew for this activity, but I didn’t mind, because I was going to get to shoot him. They traditionally met in an abandoned JC Penney building, but unfortunately it was locked when we arrived. I was upset that I wasn’t going to be able to fly down a broken escalator screaming “say hello to my little friend!”, but I had to get over that rather quickly. We then jetted off to a closed paint ball field where he knew the owner, who let them play after hours. Everyone geared up, and we got right to it. The excitement lasted 10 minutes, after I got hit the first time while trying to stand behind his 6-foot frame. I said I was taking a break to use the ladies room, which unfortunately was located between two moving trucks. Being the only woman there and all the guys were on the field, I felt pretty safe. This feeling died quickly as I was in mid-stream and a set of headlights shone onto the dirt-paved lot. It was a freaking police car! People get arrested for public peeing? I thought I was going to jail for being gross, but in all actuality, someone called the police to report people on the paintball field after hours. All the guys and I had to line up along the police cars, and show IDs. Luckily, things cooled off rather quickly when the cops became excited about the authenticity of the paint ball guns they were using. As all the men started to have a sword fight in front of me, one of my date’s friend’s mentions the fact that he and I are on a date. It is then mentioned to the cop that it’s our first date. The cop then mentions that it will be our last. He was correct.
  2. ROOMIES: I met a guy online, which was probably the most normal thing about this dude. He always seem to be a little to secretive and vague but I decided to give him a chance. We probably went on the longest date I have ever been on, which involved Mexican food, a quiet walk through a mosquito infested field behind his house, and the worst Bacardi and Cokes I ever had in my life (no ice). This may seem like a pretty short and boring tale, but I’m 99% sure that the “roommate” he lived with was his actual girlfriend, who was mysteriously in a room that he refused the open the door to. First of all, when we got to his house, he told me where to park and said he was going to run in and make us drinks. He gives me the apartment number and runs off. When I get to the door, I knock on it, and he literally had me waiting at the door for 5 minutes. When he finally opened the door, he seemed genuinely surprised that I was outside! There were instructions to be really quiet, and that we had to tip-toe around so as not to wake up the roommate. I know it sounds crazy for a guy to have the cajones to bring a date to his house and he has a live-in woman, but I don’t think any other roommate would be in a picture frame with my date while holding hands ( he didn’t know I saw it). He tried to tell me it was his mother, but I’m pretty sure his mommy didn’t look 35 and have a backpack in the kitchen.
  3. SO YOU’RE A FUNNY GUY: This happened during a time in my life when I went on a string of 32 first dates from match.com. Just in case anyone is curious, I’m a really great first date, but apparently not great enough for a second (clearly, all those men were delusional jerks). On this particular date ( it was a second!), I met the guy at his house, and we were headed for a nice day on the Fort Lauderdale boardwalk. When I arrived at his house, he wasn’t quite dressed for the occasion. He wasn’t naked or anything, but he had on a wife beater, and I feel that is a wrong message to send for a first impression. He was cute and nice enough, and left me in the living room with his boa constrictor (bonus), while he went to go change into something more “appropriate.” When he emerged from his bedroom, I was able to determine that “appropriate” to him was a pair of khaki and a t-shirt of a man flipping a coin, right next to the phrase “ Heads, I Get Tail, Tails, I Get Head”. He must’ve seen the dead look on my face as I stared at his shirt, but all I got was a smirk and a “What?” He asked if I wanted him to go change, and never forget the phrase I uttered to this day: “No, you wear this shirt. Clearly, you felt that it was acceptable attire for a second date IN PUBLIC with me, so no, please keep the shirt on.” We headed out to Las Olas Riverfront, where I proceeded to ignore him and people stared at his shirt and looked at me with pity.
  4. YOU HAVE TEN MINUTES: Everyone knows I have a difficult time dealing with people who are late. I am completely OCD when it comes to time, and often arrive early to everything. First impressions mean everything to me, as you can see from previous stories, so a man being on time for a date is extremely important. If you’re late, I don’t want you. So when I was set to meet up with a guy at a football game and he was running late, I should’ve known things were going to be a disaster. At first, I was hopeful. He did what a considerate person should do, he told me ahead of time that he was running late, which worked out as I was as well. We agreed to meet in front of the stadium, and when I finally pulled into the parking lot, he hadn’t arrived yet. I waited awhile (30 minutes) before I sent him a “where the F are you” text. I kindly indicated that being late was a pet peeve of mine, and that if he wasn’t there in 10 minutes, I would leave him and walk into the stadium (they were my tickets). He said 10 minutes was all he needed. Another 30 minutes later, after discussing my dilemma with all the ushers at the front gate, I decided to stroll in. “You goin’ in girl?!” was yelled at me by a few of the ladies, and one gave me a high-five. I don’t wait for anybody. When I finally got up to my seat, he sends me a message, saying he was here. I said I was sitting in my seat. He found his way into the stadium somehow, and I reluctantly told him where my seats were. When he climbed up the steps and showed himself, he wasn’t so attractive anymore. He didn’t even apologize, and even tried to hug me. My body language clearly indicated that I wanted no part of him, but he was oblivious, and when the game was over he tried to kiss me and ask for another date. I said “maybe” through clenched teeth and my best fake smile, so I’m sure you can figure out how that ended.
  5. NO DUMPING ZONE: If you’re going to go on a date with your boyfriend, make sure you get a location first. The final date I had with an ex-boyfriend took place in a parking lot, overlooking the romantic red glow of a Target sign and Cold Stone Creamery. I ended up getting dumped in that parking lot, but because I didn’t want to tell anyone I had broken up with my man, so I decided to drive around the streets until it was time for me to go home. This ruse went on for an entire week, because I wanted no pity party from my family, and so I just became pitiful alone. I reached rock bottom when I went to the $1.50 show and watched Maleficent with 4 other people on a Wednesday night. It is actually quite a hilarious story to tell now, but not when I was hiding from my friends and family in a cheap theatre in Detroit.

 

Taken . . . . . .

why-women-want-taken-men -  What's Off Limits

I’m still laughing from last week’s April Fool’s prank that I pulled on Facebook.  Unlike most people on social media, I try to keep my personal business private.  Even in my previous relationship, I attempted to keep it exclusive although that was impossible in the small town we lived.  My ex and I disagreed about me refusing to change my Facebook status to “in a relationship”.  She accused me of wanting to remain a “player” but it was quite the opposite.  You see, I know for a fact that females are attracted to men in relationships.  I honestly didn’t fancy any unwanted attention.  (I see you shaking your head but just roll with me for a few minutes . . . . )   I began to tell my ex about the taken man phenomenon.  I explained to her that when I was married, there was not a shortage of females throwing themselves at me.  The more I refused, the more they came after me.  And there were plenty that came after me.  I mean, I couldn’t think straight most days!  Female co-workers were making it known that they wanted to get me alone.  Female friends were becoming closer to me and were wanting to be more than just an option.  Hell, even when I sung in church on Sundays, I had to keep my eyes closed so that my eyes wouldn’t go to that certain female that would want to do me in the back of my car in the parking lot!  I found myself escaping through the back door of the church so that I wouldn’t talk to anyone.  It seemed that the wedding band had a mysterious power for attracting women.  And true enough when the marriage was over, the mysterious power left.  I would wait around after service and no one wanted to talk to me.  I was able to walk to my car without anyone stalking me.  No one was calling me for church parking lot rendezvous anymore. . . . .

So back to the prank.  For April Fool’s Day, I decided to change my relationship status from “single” to “engaged”.  First let me say that I’m not one to crack jokes like this via social media.  I normally reserve my comical side for my children, close family, and friends.  I knew that the joke would go over if I could make it believable.  In order to sell the joke, I posted the status the night before.  Needless to say, the next day I received a slew of comments from “congrats” to “what da hell?”.  The funniest thing to me were the amount of females who texted me, inboxed me, or commented regarding my status and why I chose to get married now.  Throughout last Wednesday, I had to answer various females regarding my status.  There were some who gave the fake congratulations followed by “whatever happened to us?”  Even though she didn’t comment or text, word got to me that even my ex-girlfriend was angry with the post.  But my question was why should anyone be angry?

When I was in grade school, my uncle, Reverend Thomas Moore, preached a message called “When You Had It You Didn’t Want It, Now You Want It and Can’t Have It”.  As a PK,  I’ve heard my share of sermons.  Enough for two lifetimes really.  However, this sermon has stuck with me for most of my life.  Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what passage of scripture that my uncle used that night during revival.  However, the point he made about this chick that he was infatuated with when he was in high school who never gave him the time of day only to want him later in life stood out.  He talked about how he purchased her flowers and the like and she played him over and over.  It was only until he came back for their ten year high school reunion with my aunt in tow that she wanted him back.  My uncle was doing well for himself at the time.  He stated that even after the reunion, the young lady pressed him over and over with phone calls.  She even started coming to the church that he was attending to get next to him.  Why was he such a catch all of a sudden?

taken 1

So why is it that females tend to want men that are taken?  Those women that were throwing the cooch my way were nowhere to be found when the judge signed my divorce papers.  In my previous relationship, there were females that constantly tried to get my attention.  You name it, they did it.  Since I’ve been single again, there have been no females beating down my door.  No dick sucking contest offered every Friday.  No offers to have sex with lesbian girlfriends.  Nope.  Nothing.  Just a lot of unreturned texts, rain checks, and excuses.

 

And this is why dating sucks . . . . . . . it really does . . . . . .

Fellas am I wrong?

Lou Williams doesn’t have these kinda problems . . . . . . .

HML Archives: Why You’re Still Single

( It really IS me)

I was checking out a great post about what type of women are the marrying kind (“Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others”), and it hit me that although it was a bit brutal at times, I agreed with pretty much everything that was said. And then it hit me again that I described it as brutal because a lot of it was describing me. Brutal because the many of the “reasons” I was still single was spelled out right in front me. Old. Overweight. Not caring what I look like when I go to the grocery store. 

I am not my own punching bag, but I, along with other ladies, need to face the “ugly truth”. I am not my best self and it is the main reason why I’m single. That, coupled with the fact that I live in Miami, land of the video vixen who seems to be everywhere, even working at McDonald’s. Of course I know that there are older, heavier, and bummier looking women out there who have boyfriends and husbands, so these are not definite factors influencing one’s singleness or ability to hold on to a significant other. Even on the flip side, I know that just because you’re young and viral, in the best shape, and have a pound of makeup on, doesn’t make you a shoe-in to have a man. The truth is, I think a lot of us know exactly whats’ holding us back from being in perpetual bliss, but we would never dare to say it out loud, or admit our deficiencies. But I will, because I’m trying to get boo’d up! Here are a few reason you may still be on OKCupid or scrambling for a +1 to every wedding you’re invited to:

  1. YOU’RE UGLY. Not that you’re the human version of Gollum from Lord of the Rings, but your best face is definitely not being put forward. Case in point, my friends say I have a terribly mean look on my face 97% of the day. Now I’m not tooting my own horn, but I have been told I’m pretty cute ( when I’m not scowling), have a nice smile, and have gorgeous eyes. But if men walk by me in a bar and my disposition is similar to Charles Manson’s regular face, I’m going to be a bit ugly. Not to mention scary. What I’m trying to say is if you look ugly ( have a negative disposition), you won’t attract anyone. Being ugly also stretches to your personality. If you’re mean to people, have a nasty attitude, and just suck in general, you will not attract anyone of great quality. Be nicer to people. Be genuine. Smile damn it, because you never know who’s looking for that shine.
  2. YOU’RE FATThe article mentioned that women over 35 who were also overweight did not want to hear that both reasons are a huge factor contributing to their singleness. But let’s face the fats, I mean facts. Most women don’t dream of meeting a man with a beer gut. We look for that hot Adonis with a six-pack, who could pick us up and put us in a bear hug for all of eternity. But if my BMI is 35, why am I checking for Terry Crews? We all know that attraction gets you in the door and personality keeps your place at the dinner table. You are fooling yourself if you think they way you look is not that important. Again, you are who you attract. If you want to meet more men but you’re 20 pounds overweight, get your cankles to the gym! Will this automatically get you a man? No. But it goes back to self-confidence, self-assurance, and an overall healthy view of yourself. If you don’t care of your temple, how do you expect someone else to want to visit inside?
  3. YOU AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’. You don’t have your sh*t together. Finances awry, career in shambles, 2 baby daddies, holding on to unhealthy relationships, the list could go on. Basically, your life ain’t right. So when you cry and scream that you wish you had a man and can’t figure out why you can’t seem to find a GOOD man, you need to ask yourself are you a GOOD woman? You want a man with a 401K, brand new Mercedes and likes to travel abroad, but you’re debating on which Michael Kors purse to buy while you still have $20,000 in student loans from 1998? Now we all know that strong couples can help to bring each other our of tough situations, and I know a few women ( and men) who have met their significant others while they were not at their best. It doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of love. But you can’t expect to have an Idris Elba look-a-like with a Bill Gates work ethic wife you up if you have Calvin from Wacarnold’s type of mentality( points if you get the reference).
  4. YOU AIN’T ABOUT DAT LIFE. You don’t lead a life influenced by something spiritual. Not that you necessarily need to be a Christian, Hindu, or look to Buddha for guidance, but if you’re life isn’t driven or founded by some sort of moral belief system, you may not attract good people. You say you want a good man who loves his family, respects his elders, and wants to fight for world peace, but the only 10 Commandments you know are the crack ones Biggie was talking about. You want a morally sound spouse? You need to be morally sound yourself.
  5. YOU HATE YOURSELF. It all comes down to self-love. Everyone knows the saying, ” You can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself”, and it couldn’t be more true. I should not expect a man to just swoop in on his white horse ( maybe white Range Rover?) and love me and tell me how pretty I am if I can’t even look myself in the mirror. When you don’t love yourself, you neglect yourself physically and mentally. You berate yourself. You let yourself go. You eat ribs and ice cream on a daily basis- together. See what I mean? Not lovey-dovey at all. And who wants to date that chick? Oh now SOMEONE will. Because there are always going to be people out there who will take it where they can get it. Even if it has BBQ sauce stains. But when you love yourself, you don’t want that. Loving yourself in turn allows others to love you- which will allow you to attract the guy who not only take you out for ribs on OCCASION, but will take you to the fancy restaurant with cloth napkins. Now, that’s love.

The Chase

road_runner_wallpaper_by_dylanliwanag-d4vny81

I must admit, I didn’t quite understand the humor in the cartoon when I was growing up.  As a youth, I remember watching this battle of wills every Saturday morning and feeling remorse for Wile E. Coyote (or as I like to call him, Brother Coyote).  Everything that he tried never seemed to work.  The establishment, ACME, was making him look like an imbecile as they promised him success but guaranteeing failure with their defective products .  But Saturday after Saturday, he continued his pursuit.  As I progressed in age, I began to ask questions about the cartoon.  Like why is buddy hungry for a skinny chicken? Why not a roast? A good ham and cheese? Some beef or pork ribs? I mean, Brother Coyote is  buying all these products . . . . he can certainly buy some food right?  Then what if he did catch his nemesis after all this time?  Would it even be worth all the work?  One thing was for certain. Chasing the Road Runner became a passion for Brother Coyote.  He sunk whatever monies he had on items to capture the object of his desire.  What was it about the Road Runner that was so damn enticing?

 

Theorists will say that the cartoon provides deeper philosophical implications than just a mere chase.  Some believe that Brother Coyote is the unquenchable entrepreneurial spirit because he never gives up.  Others believe that Brother Coyote represents a manipulative government attempting to control the people. Well I’m far from the average theorist.  All I really see is the chase.  I see two entities who are who they are and this is how they live.  The chase gives both a sense of purpose.  It’s a pattern that they have somehow set up and have become familiar with.  The same can be said with today’s dating process.  However, it seems that we are all chasing ourselves rather than someone else.

 

Brother Coyote and the Road Runner knew the rules of the chase.  Brother Coyote would pursue the Road Runner.  At no time did the Road Runner say to itself that it was going to start chasing the coyote.  However, in 2015, the rules are nowhere near noticeable.  When asked, men and women can never agree on who should pursue.  We (and by we I mean the fellas) understand that women normally give the chase.  Yes ladies, you do.  If a man shows interest by saying a simple “hello” or “good morning”, he’s considered thirsty or worse . . . . . a simp.  If a guy is lucky to get a response and able to get in a few words, a date may occur.  If he calls or text later in the night just to say that he enjoyed the date, it’s seen as weakness and that this guy is thirsty.  It’s only when the guy ignores the female for a day or so that it’s acceptable.  Sounds remedial doesn’t it?


As remedial as this sounds, this is what takes place more often than not.

I pursued my ex for more than a year.  I let her know that she was in my thoughts by sending her texts, emails, and cards.  I would wake up every morning and construct poems telling her of how wonderful she was to my Earth.  I even went further and used my gift of song to entreat her heart to become one with mine.  And although I was persistent, it wasn’t received.  It was only until I moved on to someone else that she wanted me to be with her.  I was no longer an option which became attractive to her.  She then began chasing me! For all of her efforts, I hit her with the “I really don’t care” and “fuck your feelings” responses.  The negative responses did not stop her.  It made her come on stronger and eventually I left the lady I was with for her. . . . . . .

 

Ladies, do you see how remedial this is?  Fellas are left with no choice but to play by the new rules that you all have established.  And you know what happens when people start changing the rules in the middle of a game?  No one wins because a fight is going to break out.  Females begin saying that they will never chase after a man.  Fellas start saying that all they will chase is money because women are attracted to men with money.  If no one is chasing, how does one get caught?

 

Proverbs 18:22 states “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord”.  For the longest time, I believed in this verse.  Like most people who read this passage of scripture, I believed that a man should pursue a woman.  Don’t get me wrong. I still want to believe but it’s hard when the facts are there.  Ladies, please believe me when I say that men don’t and won’t mind a chase if there is something of substance worth chasing.  When we chase, please let us know our efforts are not in vain by dangling a carrot or something!  Sheesh! ACME is promoting division among us and we have become nothing more than dogs chasing our tails . . . . . . .

 

Did I mention that dating sucks . . . . . . it really does . . . . . .

 

And yes . . . . I’ve discontinued my online dating accounts . . . . . .

What Dat Mouf Do?

Has new age dating gotten so out of hand that something as vulgar as What Dat Mouf Do, is considered a compliment? I know that we are living in the age of online dating, speed dating, and swiping left or right. But, when did vulgar comments left on an Instagram or Facebook pictures take place of showing actual interest? What is even worse are the women who are welcoming these types of comments by setting what is now known as thirst traps.

Imagine his comments popping up on your timeline

Imagine his comments popping up on your timeline

Thirst Trap definition: Any statement or picture used to intentionally create attention or “thirst.” Woman on Twitter: Who wants to come over and put me to sleep? (Thirst Trap).

Long gone are the days of handwritten notes saying, “Do you like me? Check yes, no or maybe.” Even those days fail in comparison to the days of the “real courting” our parents did; when an interested man showed interest in the woman he was pursuing and instead of writing a note, in most instances, actually talked to her with the hope of getting to know her and possibly taking her on a date.

Now, this isn’t one of those, “the newer generation doesn’t know anything” posts. Rather, this is an observation on how the mindset, when it comes to dating, has changed. Just think, there used to be a time when you could express interest in someone, and assuming you weren’t being creepy, you would not be labeled thirsty. Not so much now. And that isn’t to say that showing interest is thirsty. But, I guess due to the lack of quality suitors that know how to approach the opposite sex respectfully anything can be considered thirsty.

So, tell me, do you think has caused this shift in expressing interest as well as the changes in dating habits?

Talk to me, I’ll talk back.

Breazy Donahue.

Chopdate

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( This is my “how much conditioner did I just use?” look)

I’ve been completely natural for almost a year now, and boy, have the tables turned.

I’m pretty sure I wrote about not coming down hard on women who still perm their hair in the last year, but I’m getting up there in bottles of wine consumed on a weekly basis, so I cannot recall. Even though I stopped putting the creamy crack in my hair three years ago, I still think it’s totally acceptable to perm your hair, if that’s what you want to do. I would never knock anyone who does, and I certainly don’t think there should be a #teamnatural vs. #teamcreamycrack battle on the horizon ( although I did want to be Tisha Campbell in School Daze sooooo bad). I was a ride-or-die perm girl all my life, until my friend refused to put them in my hair anymore. She said “you got dat good hair” ( I guess mine has good manners?), and said I really didn’t need any no-lye relaxers. And because she could straighten my hair like a Dominicana, I played along. Two years later, I decided to do the “Big Chop”, blogged about it, got rid of all my permed hair, and my world has truly changed.

I didn’t think I would ever embrace my natural hair this much, but it is a bit of a crazy, love affair that I’m experiencing. I love my natural curls, but still feel compelled to straighten it once in a while. I get many compliments on my goldilocks, and often get inquiries from people asking if they can touch my hair, which is always fun. My best friend actually gets mad at me when I straighten my hair, and wants me to wear it curly all the time. I would, if there was somehow a magical bubble that surrounded me every time I slept so my locks would stay in tact. And although it takes over three hours to straighten my hair, given the T-Rex length of my arms, I still love that style as well. As a chick who could have never imagined a life without a 24-hour Aaliyah perm, I am loving my coils more and more everyday. Below are a few things that I have come to observed now that I am completely au natural:

  • Going out in the rain is no longer an issue. Water is my friend, and actually assists with the dry frizzies that tend to pop up when I’m rocking my fro.
  • I can literally wake up in the morning, shake out my curls and go. Mind you, this can only last a few days, as if I let it go any longer, it takes about 5 days to untangle my hair.
  • I get to mess with people’s minds. I can go from curly afro, to slick straight tresses, in a matter of 24 hours. When this happens, I’ll often get asked if I cut my hair, or if I have a weave. Then I change it back, and they’re like “WTF?” A few months ago, I guy told me that it was like “dating two women at once”, in reference to the way I changed my hair up. Hmmm…
  • I receive more inquiries into my ethnic background. “Where’d you get that curly hair, yo mama white?” Someone actually asked me that. I mean, I am, but that’s beside the point. Fix your grammar, please.
  • I definitely get more requests to touch my hair, as I mentioned before. Attention others: Even though I now rock an insane bed of curls on a daily basis, you must still adhere to the rule of “Don’t touch a black woman’s hair”. Case in point: I had a massage the other day, and I indicated that there was no need for a scalp massage. She went into my wet locks anyway, and tore up my look so bad, I was James Brown’s mug shot reincarnated, and that was not the first time. Looking like James Brown, I mean…
  • I’ve become so much more aware of other women who are rocking their natural hair texture. It’s pretty cool to see that we can not only enjoy permed hair, but also being proud to rock the natural look. Those women with the “natural” weaves confuse the hell out me, though.
  • Although it does appear easier to maintain, rocking the natural look is work. Yes, I can throw some water on it some days and go, and I’ll be just fine. But I often wake up from a nap with a serious Frederick Douglas dent in my hair, and I then have to contemplate how long it will take me to turn into a Sade bun ( it can be rather frightening on occasion).