How To Make Fantasy Football Fabulous For You

FFF

(Just another excuse to post this fantastic picture of myself on the internet)

 

I am currently finishing up my third fantasy football draft. That’s right, you heard me- MY THIRD DRAFT. I’ve been in one free league for three years now, and made it to the championship game once. Bragging felt good for a while, but I wanted some cash. However, my guy friends at work have continued vote me out of their monetary league; I’m assuming out of fear and hate. After some social media complaining about my male counterparts not allowing me into their paid leagues, I was finally allowed into two additional groups. Finally, I’m ready to take someone’s money!

If you don’t know about the world of fantasy football, you’re either a woman or from Europe. I’m here to educate those of you who are in the dark about this burgeoning avenue of acceptable nerd behavior, especially women. Granted,  women love football and sports overall now more than ever before, but many of us are still uneducated about the world of athletics and how everything works. If you are a lady out there who wants to either a) truly learn about fantasy football or b) pick up dudes with your football knowledge, I’m here to help you with both. Let’s hit the basics of fantasy football first:

  1. FANTASY FOOTBALL involves all individuals who are playing to hand select all the players on their very own football team. How great- you can have Tom Brady and Reggie Bush on the same team! Two hot guys at the same time! Unfortunately, this is all done on the internet, and this cannot happen in real life, hence the name fantasy football.
  2. FANTASY FOOTBALL will pit you against other teams created by the rest of your fantasy “league”, all of whom have created their own teams. Leagues can vary from 8-14 teams, give or take a few. The more teams included in your league, the more likely your team will suck.
  3. FANTASY FOOTBALL mirrors a real NFL season, as it will have the same amount of weeks played, and includes a playoff, to conclude before the actual NFL playoffs. You will play everyone in your league at least once, and this should keep you very busy between September and January ( will be very helpful if you are single- it will definitely keep you occupied).
  4. FANTASY FOOTBALL works like this: your drafted players score points depending on what they do: throwing/catching/running for touchdowns, interceptions, extra points, all regular football stuff. You win by scoring more points in that particular week than your opponent- very basic stuff. If you’re bad at math, don’t worry- the computer generates everything for you! All you have to do is stare at a computer for 12 hours a day, or your phone if you have a fantasy football app. This will easily distract you from drunk dialing your ex ( but probably not).

 

Now that we have the rules out-of-the-way, I’d like to bestow upon all of you ladies ( and anyone else) some of my personal observations that will help you understand the world of fantasy football, or at least a bit of what your boyfriend is talking about. Being able to comprehend this fantasy world for men will help you to understand why your boyfriend is distant for the entire fall and part of the winter, and may also help you to win if you get the chance to join and dominate your own league:

  • The best part of it all is picking the name of your team. It’s like naming your baby, that it if you wanted to name your baby “Reggie’s Bushes”. As fantasy football is dominated by men, you will encounter some of the nastiest, crude team names, but this is what men do. Should you join a league, feel free to do what you want when naming your team, but the more clever, the better. There is no need to be gross, but the men in your league will show you respect if you do, as odd as this sounds. My team names this year are “Sorry For Your Loss” and “Marco… Flacco”. I know, I know- pretty awesome, right? Some of the more interesting names I’ve seen include “My Vick in a Box”, “Vajayjay Cutler”, “No Romo”, and the very classy, “Golden Taint”.
  • After the fun of naming your team subsides, you actually have to go through the process of a draft. Most of them are conducted through a website ( i.e. Yahoo! Sports, ESPN, etc.), but there are many leagues that decide to have actually draft parties. How awesome- another reason to have a party! Just think, how fantastic would it be to be in a room full of men, chicken wings, and the brownies that you brought from home? Many leagues decide to have these draft at the home of fantasy football, Buffalo Wild Wings, or at their private residences. These drafts can go on for hours, especially if you’re online. If half of your league has a life, many of them won’t even show up, and the computer will automatically pick for them. If you’re not a person who knows football players and their skills, the computer will usually give you advice on who to pick, so it’s not too difficult. One word of advice: DO NOT PICK PLAYERS BASED ON THEIR LOOKS. This worked for me for one year only, the next season was a complete disaster.
  • Because everyone gets 1-2 minutes to make a selection and you have to select 15 slots, this can often take forever. Being a woman who can multi-task, you can always catch up on your DVR’d episodes of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta like I am right now, while waiting for your next turn. By the time the episode is over, you should be done drafting your team.

Now you have a team! Felicia’s Fabulous Footballers is ready to play! I hope that you take all of this information and dominate your leagues. May you have many victories, tons of points scored, and several talking points to use the next time you’re in a sports bar. You will definitely impress the fellas with all of your newfound knowledge of the NFL. Now go out there and beat “1.21 JJ Watts”.

 

Respect the Primp

 

crazybathroom

There are approximately 43 items on this sink. There is also a spattering of hair spray, soap, water, and makeup on the mirror. My toothbrush  seems to have committed suicide into the sink, jumping in because there was simply no space on the countertop for him to live. Does this look like a crime scene?  Was I attacked by an intruder in the middle of the night in my bathroom and had to use hairspray? No, this is the result of trying to get ready for a date, with someone who didn’t receive a SECOND date because he became upset when I wouldn’t stop watching Dexter to talk to him. I mean, it’s DEXTER!  Come on…

Before you question the cleanliness of my sink ( it’s water and makeup people!), if you’re a woman, your sink has looked like this- it might even look like this now. And if you’re a man reading this ( thanks guys!), your sink may be a victim to your girlfriend’s crap, and you start to wish that you never told her she “could keep a few things here”. However, this is the necessary method to our beauty madness. In order to understand our struggle, you need to know exactly what we go through to make ourselves look good, whether it be for a hot date, work, going to Publix, or attending a Heat game ( if you’re in Miami, you know what I’m talking about- girls are ready TO GO!). If your lady has had the bathroom door closed going on an hour and all you’re doing is going to Chili’s to watch the game, she may be going through the one of the following transformations ( or perhaps a plethora of them):

PAINTING HER FACE: Most of the damage comes from this ancient ritual of painting ourselves like sexy clowns. Mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow, lip gloss, blush, and cement glue- all these are key ingredients that will take us from WTF to OMG. The process of getting the right combination of these 32 ingredients is difficult, so there is often a rotating application/removal process. And just when we think it looks perfect, you can’t find the ONE lipstick you really want to wear. So we still are going to need “five more minutes”…

DEFUZZING THE GOOD PARTS: This may be the most vital part of the process. Legs need to be shaved, eyebrows need to be plucked ( do you want to make out with Bert?), and some chicks have beards. If you don’t want to rub up on Sasquatch after your dinner date, you will let your woman take her time in the bathroom. and if she is taking longer to complete THIS process, don’t be mad. TRUST ME, this is going to work out in your favor.

FRYING HAM, I MEAN, HAIR: There’s nothing like having a “good” hair day. When your ‘do is on point, you want to conquer the world, cross everything off your to-do list, and flirt with random strangers. However, these days occur about 3 times a month, if you’re lucky. The rest of the days are questionable decisions made in 10 minutes or less, with a little water and hairspray. Trying to wash your hair, condition it, blow it out, and then straighten it is a procedure that can sometimes be compared to torture. It takes time, lots of prayers, and a minimum of 45 minutes.

MAKING EVERYTHING FRESH AS PRODUCE: The typical male idea of freshening up for a date is breathing into his cupped hands and seeing if his breath is okay, and dousing himself with some Axe body spray. Women have to apply several different “sprucers” to make sure everything is as crisp as fresh sheets. After the initial application of the latest Bath & Body fragrance ( how about Juniper Cherry Moon Romance?), there is also the difficult decision of going with an accompanying body spray or cleaning it all off and deciding to bust out the fancy perfume. Heaven forbid, we have clashing scents!  Oh, and wait, we JUST found that lipstick!  Now there’s another 5 minute delay…

PROPPING THEM UP, AND POKING THEM OUT: Once the 10th “right” outfit has been found, we have to adjust our body parts to make sure everything looks good. You may have to undergo several bra changes ( strapless, T-back, or use of the Bra Genie clip), putting a jacket on to hide your whale arms, then deciding to take it off because it’s too hot which requires you to once again change your shirt.

A few poses are struck, and FINALLY- you have found the right look!  After 15 selfies of the same pose, you can finally open the bathroom door, to find your man passed out on the couch and the blast of some fresh A/C. You feel like a queen, and damn it, you look like one! So the next time you whine to your woman if she’s “ready yet”, think of the alternative: you could walk out the door with a hairy, smelly, unkempt beast with bed head. And who wants to take her to Artwalk?

My Way

Once again Corner Politics resident freak Taylor Danes, is back to help put some spice in your bedroom. So let’s do like AG and Showbiz and give her a freaky soul clap

My Way813477

Tonight I want it my way

Tonight I don’t want any hesitation

Tonight I don’t want any questions

I want to cum for you, cum all over you.

I wanna watch you stroke me into ecstasy

I wanna see your hands explore every part of my body

I wanna see your tongue slide in and out of my kitty

I wanna hear you slurp up all my juices as I cum for you over and over

I wanna feel your hands in my hair as you stroke me from the back.

I wanna feel you reach the point of no return and scream my name

Can you handle that, can you let me have My Way

Taylor Danes.

Be sure to check Taylor’s advice and fan page on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Naked-Talk/276313192382623

Blog: https://mywordsineversaid.wordpress.com

And follow her on Twitter @MZ_TAYLOR_D

School Daze and my Observations.

Back in the days of my youth, I was (and still am) an avid 40 Acres and a Mule, Spike lee fan. Name any Spike Lee joint pre-Drop Squad (you know that shit was horrible) and you can bet all your dough I’ve seen it a thousand times. In fact, I’ve seen them so many times, I made my own remix to Gator’s, “I Like Getting High” song from Jungle Fever. It’s called I Like Getting He*d. Hey, I was a Too Short fan… don’t ask. Anywho, I was so much of a Spike Lee fan, I copped some apparel from the 40 Acres and a Mule store in Los Angeles.School_Daze_film_poster

So what does all of this have to do with Drake’s HOV lane of an eyebrow? I’m glad you asked. After recently watching School Daze, which I hadn’t seen in about 10 years, there were a couple of things that stood out more than Rihanna’s aerolas on a Tuesday. Things I completely failed to notice before, or things I didn’t think twice about the last time I watched it.

Since I haven’t made a list in a while, I thought I’d dust off my counting skills and shit. Share with you my thoughts regarding Skool Daze….

1. Tisha Campbell, was/is really light-skinned. Believe me I am not color struck, nor do I hate my lighter complexion brothas and sistas, and it’s not like I didn’t realize she was light. I mean she practically radiated light beams in Little Shop of Horrors. But after watching School Daze, I realized that she was so light, that I thought she had an iron deficiency. I couldn’t tell who mas more florescent, her or Kid from Kid n Play, and that was a pasty motherfucker.

2. Spandex. Look I realize it was the 80’s and everybody and their drunk uncle had a pair of biker shorts (I know I did), but got-damn! It seemed like biker shorts was the standard uniform, like there was a clause written in an 80’s contract. Ladies wearing spandex with everything back then, as appealing as it was, is like women wearing leggings as an outfit today. It was far from being the best trend I’d seen. Nevertheless, I was crazy about seeing women wear them.

3. One word. HAIR. Big hair for women, and Caesar hair cuts with a shag in the back for men. A lot of people said that the 80’s was a wimpy decade. While I cannot agree with that, because I am an 80’s baby, I will say that the 80’s were where hairstyles went to die. Skool Daze proved just how fu#ked our hair game was during that decade. Dap had a Caesar with a slightly faded V cut into his head; Julian had the Charlie Chapman with the Larry Johnson part down the middle; while Leeds (Samuel L. Jackson) and the rest of Ready for the World looked like they were auditioning for a part in a soulglo commercial. And let’s not forget about Jane, who had hair so big that if she laid her head on my pillow, she would’ve suffocated me. More than enough to prove the 80’s had the worse hairstyles by far, since the 60’s.

4. The jigaboo/wannabe battle had to have been the best dance off/battle since “Beat It”. Who knew you could trade barbs/insults about skin color and hair texture while doing 1920’s tap dancing. After watching this So You Think You Can Dance? competition, I wasn’t sure if I was watching an Alvin Ailey show, or Westside story.

That’s it, these are just a few observations that I never noticed before. What do you think? Do you have any thing other observations, that you want to add.

Talk to me, I’ll talk back.

Breazy Lee..

God Bless The Dead.

Since when did the significance of someone’s death become a matter of race? Better yet, when did it become necessary to comment on whose death deserves more political recognition after it becomes publicly known? There are some who are disappointed with our President for making a statement about the death of Robin Williams before making a statement about the death of Michael Brown. For those who look like ‘us’, and feel most impacted by the latter’s death, I can see how this could make them feel some type of way. But the last time I checked, death is death.obamasad

I don’t see why the timing or how long it took to make a statement should be a priority, when both families were left to bury a loved one. Why question the sincerity of the POTUS when he gave (what I believed to be) a heart-felt statement about the tragedy of a family burying a child? He disrespected ‘us’ by acknowledging the death of someone outside of his race before releasing a statement about the death of someone within his own race? Is that really a fair assessment?

True indeed, the issues that led to each death are on opposite totems. If the causes of death is your beef; be enraged over the fact that our president has failed to address an issue in America that has warranted widespread publicity long before the death of Michael Brown. Be enraged at his failure to address the killings of other young black men who are slain by crooked law enforcement, daily. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, people are questioning his ‘blackness’, or how ‘down’ he is, merely because he acknowledged two recent deaths out of the correct racial order. Although the way these individuals died raises awareness to separate issues (race relations included); death itself is universal. It knows no color lines, and neither does the grief that follows.

Keep this in mind: Violence happens every day. Each and every family that has lost someone to violence deserves condolences. Compassion should be extended to anyone impacted by death, whether it’s due to military combat, black on black crime, or police on black crime. Realistically, the POTUS probably had political reasons for not immediately addressing the death of Michael Brown. But does that mean the family and fans of Robin Williams don’t deserve public acknowledgement and respect? Don’t they reserve the right to mourn over his suicide? Regardless of how an individual dies, shouldn’t everyone impacted have that right?

If it was your loved one, would it matter who received the President’s condolences first?

Talk to me, I’ll talk back.

Breazy the Narrator

Endangered Species.

One of my favorite artists, of all time, Ice Cube along with Chuck D made a song titled Endangered Species. Endangered Species was an album cut on his debut solo album, AmeriKKKa’s Nightmare, after his departure from NWA. At the beginning of the song, there’s an interlude news cast about a new ‘animal’ that’s “falling off the face of the earth due to extinction.”

R.I.P Michael Brown

R.I.P Michael Brown

The song title would have you believe that the story is about an animal species on the brink of disappearing. This species the news reporter refers to is actually not an animal species, but young black males. The report goes on to say that the government has not made steps to preserve blacks. When a top law official was asked why, the answer was “because they make good game”.

After the news report, Ice Cube and Chuck D trade verses about how African Americans are targeted by both the police and our own kind. Because of black-on-black crime and police-on-black crime, our numbers continue to drop at a record rate.

“Endangered Species” was released in 1990. While police-on-black violence is nothing new, this prophetic record was made long before the high profile cases of the Sean Bell, Oscar Grant, Trayvon Martin, Jordan Davis, and now Michael Brown.

It seems as if it’s been open season on young black males for decades. Just like Elmer Fudd hunting Bugs Bunny, the police are willing to do anything to bag their prey. Old and recent history proves police are not above killing an unarmed black teenager, whose hands are up in surrender, before leaving his body in the streets for hours after the kill.

The obvious, sad truth is that America is not a safe place for African Americans. America the beautiful is a place where a black male can be choked to death by the police just for being suspected of selling loose cigarettes. It doesn’t matter if you committed the alleged crime. Either way, killing you will be justified because you resisted a trigger happy police officer’s arrest.

I’m not sure if anybody in the Staten Island Police Department has ever been choked. If they had, they would know that anybody in that position would do anything, even squirm, just to breathe again.

After countless stories about police brutality and murders committed against the black community at the hands of police officers, how is an African American male supposed to feel? He can’t be expected to feel safe, while knowing the next trip to the gas station could be his last.

To all the parents, guardians and loved ones who are trying to make sense of the unreasonable, while teaching the black men you love to be strong and vigilant, I commend you.

How can you prepare yourself, your sons and nephews to overcome a problem that doesn’t seem to have an attainable solution?

Talk to me, I’ll talk back.

Breazy Jackson

Non-Negotiables

Nonnegotiables

 

(If only I could take this list to the grocery store and get exactly what I want)

I’m really good at making lists and not following them at all. I create a Target list consisting only Charmin and Dove body wash, and end up spending $89.63 on clearance sunscreen and random decorative boxes. Grocery lists are never followed, as I swear to stick to the produce section, and end up with 3 cartons of Haagen Dazs and Hawaiian rolls. And don’t let me go into Trader Joe’s. A quick trip for watermelon and blueberries turns into my need to buy 3 logs of honey-infused goat cheese and beer. Evidently, I always have a general idea of what I want, but never follow through whatsoever because my eyes are always roaming around and not following the plan-which usually ends up in disaster (i.e. less money and eating too many carbs).

This ideal can also be applied to our love lives, when we want certain things from a mate, but can’t seem to follow the “list” of things we want/require in a partner. A few years ago, a single me was discussing finding the right guy with my newly taken BFF and she introduced me to her “NON-NEGOTIABLES” list. She had read somewhere that in order to keep yourself on track in the dating world, you should create a list of “non-negotiables”-traits you want in a partner, and if someone did not possess any one of these traits, it would be considered a deal-breaker. The list can be as long or short as you want, but in order to be reasonable, she created one with 5 characteristics that a man must have to date her ( if you have 27 things on your list, you’re not really looking for a man, you’re going to Walmart). For example, if her list consisted of 1) Athletic, 2) College Graduate, 3) Musician, 4) Family oriented, and 5) Vegetarian, she would only serious consider dating someone who matched every “non-negotiable” on her list. Therefore, if she met a man who was out of shape and ate red meat on a daily basis, then she would not date him. It may sound a bit harsh, but how many times have any of us allowed someone to creep into our hearts when we knew there were things about them we didn’t like? But you went out with them anyway because you were bored or felt like you were being too picky?

non-negotiable:

adjective; not open to discussion or modification.

Well, you have a right to be picky when it comes to love! If you don’t like smokers, don’t go out with a woman who smokes just because she’s hot and has a nice butt. Ladies, don’t settle for a guy who likes to go out clubbing 4 times a week, if you’re looking for a low-key man who prefers to stay in. If we do these things, we’re just setting ourselves up for failure. So stick to your lists! If you haven’t thought of one, now’s the time to do it. At the time the BFF showed me her list, she forced me to create one of my own, because she knew both my miserable shopping and dating habits. So I created my own list, and have tried to follow it ever since. It’s hard to follow a list like this, but this is your life we’re talking about, good people! Sticking to the list left me nice and single for a while ( downside to following the list), but I think my catch now fits my list, and so I tell you it’s worth it. My MARRIED BFF would say the same thing. Basically, I’m saying if you follow the list, you’ll get married. Check my list of NON-NEGOTIABLES:

1. NON-SMOKER: I’ve met many a hot and nice man who just so happens to smoke cigarettes. I also know what it’s like to kiss said man and it’s disgusting. Plus, he coughs a lot. Sounds harsh, but it’s my dating life, so I have never given a smoker a real chance.

2. SOCIABLE: If you have one friend, you’re not for me. I like people who people like. A man that’s completely comfortable with speaking to random people we may meet at a football game, party, or bar is extremely attractive. This will also indicate his comfort level should you introduce him to your family or Peanut Gallery ( aka your homegirls).

3. INTELLIGENT: I’m not saying he needs to be Albert Einstein, but you should have graduated from high school and went to college. I’m in no way putting down anyone that didn’t do these things, but you are attracted to those who share the same experiences with you, and education is a huge part of my life. I like the fact that I can talk to my man about what we both did in college and football games. I like a man who can have a conversation outside the topics of beer and Young Jeezy. The only exception is Eminem. I would date and love Eminem so hard, you don’t understand, and I know he didn’t finish school. I hope my boyfriend knows I would leave him in a second if Eminem called me. Okay, let me stop talking about Eminem…

4. SENSE OF HUMOR: I’m very sarcastic. It’s almost to a point where it can be considered mean, to people who lack a sense of humor. I also make really corny jokes and do bad impersonations, and I like a man who can laugh at all of that and is not afraid to laugh at me as well.

5. PROMPT: This is probably the biggest thing for me on my list, even though some can see it as trivial. I am a stickler for being on time, and all that know me understand just how true this is. I have gone off the deep end when someone has made me late for a movie ( because I cannot miss previews and I need to sit in the back), and I’m early to everything. If you are constantly late for things, what does that say about your character? If the man I was dating never called me back and always showed up for dates 20 minutes late, he wouldn’t be with me too long. Being late is a clear indicator of one’s lack of consideration for others, a trait we all want to have in an ideal partner. If you’re late, you will not get a date.

Do you have your own list? What are your non-negotiables?