( this is my face when they announce winners of awards like “Best Group”)
*Keep in mind, this is my own personal commentary, which includes my personal opinion. But truth be told, it’s probably the right one.
I used to tune in to awards shows with feverish anticipation, as I couldn’t wait to see what my favorite artist was going to do. What will Janet Jackson do next? What will the stars being wearing? New artists like Jill Scott and Adele were introduced, and I often looked forward to the next year’s festivities.
Now? I’m sad to say that if I watch them, it’s to laugh. Or fall asleep. Everyone seems to do the same thing, with a few cool performances here and there. I don’t take the categories seriously anymore, it’s more like a popularity contest instead of who actually puts out the best music. The BET Awards are not immune. So this year, I decided to take another approach to ingesting these awards shows. I am going to do a running commentary of the 2014 installment tonight, as well as a gradual count of how may times the phrase “turn up” is used. I hate the saying, but I have the over/under at about 46. Here we go:
00:01:54- Pharell opens up the show… as he should. He’s actually won a Grammy. Glad he gets to do the Motorcyle song. He also attempts to take his cardigan off, not sure if it’s a sexy gesture or not, but I liken it to your uncle is trying to take of his own sweater… oh shit! MISSY ELLIOTT! I’m sorry, I can’t concentrate right now because a real artist is on the stage. With another real artist. Who would’ve thunk it?
00:03:52- MISSY IS ON STAGE!!!! CAN NIKKI MINAJ PLEASE GO AWAY NOW???? PLEASE GET RID OF ALL THESE WACK ASS FEMALE RAPPERS! I feel like Nikki would not have been given a verse on “Ladies Night”… damn, I miss Foxy Brown.
00:37:39- Lupita Nyongo wins Best Actress, as she should. But I was afraid she was going to lose to Kerry Washington, as the Scandal crowd is the main audience for the BET Awards. Don’t get me wrong, I love Scandal and Ms. Kerry baby, but looking like you could cry at any moment does not win over 12 Years a Slave.
00:06:00- As the introductions are being made, they’re screaming for people like Tyga, Trey Songs, Usher, Minaj, and some guy named August. This night could dwindle quickly…
00:11:08- Chris Rock is the host- I was surprised to see him host the BET Awards. Um, he just shut down it down with this Donald Sterling joke. I’ll let you watch it yourself- no spoilers…
00:15:55- First sighting of the Hot Mugshot Guy. I hope it’s the last.
00:17:33- August Alsina wins Best New Artist. The category is rounded out with Schoolboy Q, Mack someone, and an ASAP individual. I have no idea who he is. Let me look up his song. Is he really a new artist if I don’t know who he is? Does this show my age? Or my intolerance for crappy music?
00:25:12- Lil Wayne is performing. All I heard was 27 bleeps.
00:31:14- Tamela Mann wins Best Gospel Artist. I am for certain this will be the only classy moment during tonight’s events.
00:32:00- They mention that Lionel Richie will be receiving a Lifetime achievement Award. This gets me thinking about the Essence festival I will be attending this weekend. I wonder how many of these people I will run into at the $33,000 VIP Day Parties I have been summoned to attend ( I have no choice anymore- I gave them my credit card).
00:39:13- Classy Moment#2 is happening, as John Legend takes the stage. He can do no wrong… unlike Lil Wayne, he doesn’t need flashlights, a smoke machine, and a censor.
00:41:32- Classy Moment #2 is ruined by the coming of Jhene Aiko coming onto the stage. I’m sorry she can’t sing. I don’t get it. If you have to bleep out words in your love song, it’s not really romantic. There’s only one classy lady in the game who can be a thug, and that’s Mary J. But John is playing in the background and lending some vocals. I’ll let this one pass…
00:50:24- Drake wins best Male Hip Hop artist. Over Jigga and Kendrick Lamar. I want to turn off this award show right now. Do the BET Awards hand out these trophies by way of fan votes? A drunk music board? I mean, Drake is okay, but I don’t think he deserves to rap Kendrick of Jay’s leftover rhymes. But that’s my opinion…
00:52:44- Here comes Chris Brown. I am disturbed, yet entertained by this. He has the R. Kelly syndrome- someone who has done some extremely horrible crap, but yet we keep letting them perform on the awards show, because damn it, that boy can sing and dance!
00:55:33- Ok, Travis Barker just showed up on stage, killing the drums. I like.
01:04:02- Common ( what a gorgeous soul) introduces a new comer to the stage by the name of Gabi Wilson. She plays several instruments, has a beautiful voice, and is only 17. She does a nice up-tempo cover of “In Between the Sheets”. Can she take August Alsina’s place for the Best New Artist? Can I see her on stage with Mr. Legend?
01:05:03- A whole hour in, and I am just hearing my first “turn up”. I am disappointed in my people- I expected more from you. I hope you make it up in these next three hours.
01:09:45- Usher never ages. He also never changes his set list. It’s always a montage of all his songs, and then 30 more seconds of his latest single. He also never ages, but since he looks like my first boyfriend, I am now reminded of that heartache. I want to cry now. Oh, and dance.
01:20:00- Pharell wins Video of The Year. He wins over “Partition”, Drunk In Love”, and “Fine China”. Glad that happiness reigns over getting skeeted on and rolling around on the beach inebriated ( both which I love- because I wish I could do what ‘Yonce does on a chair- she is baaaaad). There’s an odd portion of Pharell’s acceptance speech in which he congratulates BET for giving Lil Wayne an outlet to express himself. Not sure how I feel about this…
01:29:27- Jennifer Hudson hits the stage- the opening is a bit scary as she opens up lip syncing a bit, with over production and fast talking (i.e. what happened to Mariah Carey after she did “Honey”). But she finally starts singing with that beautiful voice of hers, and all is right with the world.
01:35:21- Pharell wins best R&B/Pop Artist- finally an opportunity for him to redeem his Lil Wayne comment. He does so by commending the talent of all his fellow nominees, except for August Alsina.
01:42:25- Nikki Minaj is on the stage, “performing”. I take this opportunity to think about all the outfits I plan on wearing this weekend in New Orleans. I wonder what nail polish I should go with? Perhaps a color that goes with everything- a pale pink? Then I wonder where Missy is right now and ponder what she thinks about Nikki Minaj. I say another silent prayer for Missy to get back in the game and shut this mess down. I then forget that I’m a few minutes back on the DVR, so I excitedly press fast forward- DAMNIT, I already caught up and Nikki is still on the screen. Time for a bathroom break…
01:57:19- August Alsina finally hits the stage: a perfect opportunity to see just who he is…
02:03:11- I’m still not sure who he is, since I really thought he was Chris Brown this whole time after listening to this song.
2:04:09-Trey Songz is one fine man, but as I watch this performance, I’m satisfied with my decision to not go to his concert at the Essence Festival. However, I will be okay with waiting in the lobby of his hotel for him to come down the elevator.
02:16:57- The Lionel Richie tribute begins. Jon Legend is doing “Hello”. I’m tingling a bit. Why is he not performing at the Essence Music Festival?!?!
02:20:51- I have no idea who is singing “Brickhouse”. Is that bad? Not sure, but I know the camera cutting to the audience every 5 seconds is not good for this artist. Plus, Lionel looks bored…
02:24:00- Yolanda Adams is killing this gospel song, but is this a Lionel Richie song? Am I a heathen for not knowing?
02:35:14- Lionel hits the stage, and immediately takes it back to the old school. “Dancing in The Street” and “Easy Like Sunday Morning” float throughout the arena, but it seems like Mr. Richie is barely singing. But does he really need to, since he’s made more money than Dr. Dre’s cut from the Beats sale?
02:48:36- T.I. comes out with his prodigy, Iggy Azalea. Now, I actually like her. However, she is not helping her case by lip syncing. But this is a baaaaad song.
(He’s thinking “these fools won for what?”)
02:53:29- I couldn’t pass on putting one screen shot from the awards on this post. Chadwick Boseman of “42″ fame clearly is devastated that YMCMB won “Best Group”. Unsure of best group of what exactly they are, I am just as confused. The group embarrassed themselves when they hit the stage, and broke a microphone.
03:04:09- TROOP REUNION PERFORMANCE?!?!?! No words… they get nothing but respect and uncomfortable tingling from me for the next 3 minutes…
03:06:04- COLOR ME BAD? Oh, I see they trying to give 30-year-old women heart attacks up in here… Although I am pretty sure that’s not the lead singer of the group. Did they think we would mix up our white R&B boys? Oh, we know who ALL of them are! That falsetto ain’t tricking me!
03:07:11- Ok, SILK? Really? I swear if they sing “Lose Control”, I might have to send some inappropriate text messages to people…
03:25:45- Classy Moment #3- awesome tribute to Ruby Dee and Maya Angelou. No hot mess with that. It’s just sad that they did so much so people like 2Chainz could get on stage and make money.
03:32:00- Robin Thicke is on stage, pleading for Paula Patton to take him back. He’s starting to get that older and hot, Brad Pitt thing going on. If she won’t take him back, I will. That boy good…
03:35:00-Just realized that this award show is going to be 4.5 hours long. They are about to announce the winner of Best Female Hip Hop Artist and I already know the awful winner. I would’ve taken a brushed off Charli Baltimore before her. I’m taking another bathroom break… Oh wait, I’m sorry- Nikki Minaj just said she has won this award 5 years in a row. I’m pretty sure it’s because Remy Ma ain’t outta jail yet.
03:45:17- Beyonce and Jay-Z close the show. From Miami. I need to learn that chair dance.
-KEEP IT A HOT MESS
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